In light of Sean Spicer’s disastrous press conference and Kellyanne Conway’s assertion that Spicer was simply relaying, “alternative facts,” I’d like to offer up some #alternativefacts of my own. These are my #alternativeparentingfacts.
1. First of all, nothing that you do outside of parenting will ever be as important or meaningful as your role of mother or father. That’s just science. If you’re looking to find purpose and self-fulfillment somewhere else, you should give up now.
2. For those of you who are pregnant or contemplating pregnancy, it’s important that you know your body bounces back immediately. In fact, you’ll be “bikini-ready” (this is definitely not a sexist term invented to sell magazines) before you’ve even been discharged from the hospital. And you’ll feel more confident than ever about yourself. Childbirth takes care of any body-image insecurities.
3. When you’re at work, you’ll miss your kid terribly. You’ll never think, “What a relief to have grown-up conversations without a small human attached at my hip.” (I mean, if you admitted that sometimes you didn’t miss your kid while you were at work, that would make you a monster, right? Just checking… for a friend.)
4. Marriage actually gets easier once you have a baby. It’s because you’re so well-rested and always on the same page about an incredibly intimidating job that neither of you have ever had. No one pretends to be asleep to get out of changing the baby’s diaper. And no one ever secretly believes that the other person is faking being asleep, and then bottles that resentment up until they explode months later. Thankfully, that never happens.
5. You’ll never quell your son or daughter’s inner spirit by snapping at them in a moment of frustration or exhaustion. You are patient, kind, and thoughtful at all times. You never lie awake feeling shameful about how you may or may not have ruined their entire childhood.
6. Good news! Gender norms have gone by the wayside. We’ve progressed so far as a nation that you don’t have to constantly explain to your daughter that “girls and boys can do the same things,” whether that be about the toys they play with, the jobs they will someday have, or their physical strength. Some little girl at preschool will certainly never tell your daughter, “Girls don’t do that, boys do that.” It helps that we now have a female president who is showing herself to be the ultimate role model to girls all across the globe.
7. You won’t feed your kid processed food. I’ve never seen a box of macaroni and cheese or frozen chicken nuggets in my life. I always give my kid 100% organic, GMO-free, peanut-free, gluten-free food, and so should you. Otherwise, your child will turn out to be an obese sociopath. #science
8. There is nothing more thrilling than conning your co-workers into buying candy to fundraise for your kid’s preschool. Nothing.
9. You’ll certainly never forget when your daughter last took a bath… because that’s disgusting.
10. Your child will never eat ice cream before bed and definitely doesn’t wake up begging for popsicles.
11. You’ll never let your kid watch Netflix in bed so you can eek out another 30 minutes of sleep.
12. In fact, “screen time” is outlawed in your house. You definitely don’t have profiles set up on various streaming sites just for your kid’s favorite shows.
13. You will never lie about the reality of parenting to friends or family (or to yourself).