Jessica Glassberg has written for Disney XD, The Screen Actors Guild Awards where her jokes were featured on E!’s, “The Soup,” EntertainmentWeekly.com, and Hollywood.com and was the head writer on the Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon for 10 years, and performed stand-up on the show 5 times. She has had numerous monologues published for women, men and teen boys in the “Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny,” series for Hal Leonard books. And in addition to writing for Kveller, Jessica contributes to The Hot Moms Club, the satirical news sites: Reductress and AbsrdCOMEDY as well as the WordPress magazine Torque and the news site attn.com. Jessica is a mom from Long Island who lives in Los Angeles with her husband and daughter. For upcoming shows, clips and writings samples at: jessicaglassberg.com and follow her on twitter at @JGlassberg
With the recent news about Mel Brooks wanting to make "Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money," I’ve been contemplating (let’s be honest: OBSESSING) how I can work on this potential…production. See, ever since I was out of school for two weeks in fifth grade with pneumonia, Mel Brooks has been a huge part of my life. He was my doctor. Laughter is the best medicine, right? So, by the transitive property, Mel Brooks was my doctor. I already had all of “Spaceballs” memorized when my mom… >> Read More
Whether it’s debating if Barbie is anti-feminist or if a “Dora the Explorer” toy looks suspiciously like male genitalia, the discussion over the appropriate and politically correct nature of…children’s toys is nothing new. There are plenty of recalls on kids’ toys due to issues like potential choking hazards or battery compartments reaching inordinately high temperatures, often leaving consumers wondering about the companies’ lack of quality in their quality control departments. But when I received a MagnaPlay Alphabet Picture Puzzle for my daughter, I… >> Read More
When I’m not mommy-ing or writing for Kveller, I am writing other forms of comedy or performing stand-up.
I was recently asked to shoot an episode of an online comedy show called "Headline…Punchline"--a talking heads showcase where five comics are given five headlines the night before filming and are asked to write up punchlines for them. It’s very fun, and very stressful. But hey, I’m one of those sickies who actually works well under pressure. The day of shooting, my wonderful husband took an extra-long lunch so… >> Read More
If you’ve been on the internet recently, you may have noticed a video going around about a couple announcing they are expecting by way of the new “Share a Coke” campaign. In case no one has…posted it to your Facebook page, you can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5yyzdgnxoc For many who have watched it, they first noticed how original this concept was to publicize a pregnancy. For others, they observed the high production value of the video. For me? The first thing I thought was, “You shouldn’t drink that much Diet… >> Read More
The instant my husband walks in the door, giggles fill the room from our 20-month-old daughter.
It is the most beautiful sound a mother could hear. It is also the most jealousy-inducing sound a…comedian could hear. As a mother and a comedian (momedian?), I often find myself feeling this strange mix of emotions. I want my daughter to laugh, but I want to be the reason she’s laughing. As a parent, all I want in this whole universe is for my daughter to be happy. (Yes, healthy and… >> Read More
I was nervous. I didn’t know what reaction I’d get on the other end of the call. Would I be met with joy? Apathy? Had I been forgotten? It had been a while since we last spoke and I felt…anxious. As the time of the call drew closer, I had butterflies. No, I’m not describing the emotions of talking to a guy I was really into… I’m talking about the excitement and anxiety I felt when my husband and I Skyped with our 18-month-old daughter while we were on vacation in Europe and she… >> Read More
My family has always made an effort to make the Passover seder fun. Yes, we are retelling a very serious tale of fleeing bondage, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have four question finger…puppets or 10 plague interactive toys, right? It wouldn’t be our seder if we didn’t have a water gun to symbolize the slaying of the first born. As an only child, I was always the target. Is it just the toys that make the holiday special? No. For me it’s about being with the extended… >> Read More
When NY Mets second baseman, Daniel Murphy, got word that his pregnant wife’s water broke on Sunday night, March 30th, he traveled from New York to their home in Florida, arriving in time for the…birth of his first-born child, Noah, via C-section. Murphy then took the three days paternity leave permitted for Major League Baseball players to be with his wife before returning to the team. He missed two games including the Mets home opener. Murphy has now come under fire on a few radio shows for choosing to… >> Read More
When you think of Hawaii, you think beautiful beaches, hula dancers, volcanoes, and-- perhaps most importantly--ROMANCE!
There’s a reason the tropical islands are among the top honeymoon…destinations year after year, right? Lying on the sand, snuggling up with the love of your life, watching a beautiful sunset while drinking your fourth Mai Tai--it is paradise. But that's not how it panned out when I went to Hawaii with my husband, my 13-month-old daughter, and my parents recently. Actually, “romantic” was the… >> Read More
My father-in-law is the vice president of an evangelical missionary organization. Yes, evangelism. I know… that word has made me shiver a bit too. If I were to write a sitcom about our…family dynamic we would get feedback that it’s unbelievable that the Jewish girl’s in-laws are missionaries… but they are. Truth. When things started getting serious with my now husband and I, we both had conversations with each set of our parents about our feelings for one another and each other’s religions. We chatted with my… >> Read More
It was a Wednesday afternoon when I received an email from a fellow comedian friend asking me if I wanted to do a seven-minute guest spot at The Comedy Store on Sunset the next night.
I was…reading the email moments after my daughter threw most of her lunch onto the floor, and as I went under her highchair to clean it, tossed the rest onto my back... so my first reaction was laughter followed by an instinct to hit “delete.” The show was at 10:30 p.m., my bedtime. I read and… >> Read More
We are all "awarded" the title of parent upon the birth of our first child, but I now know that I truly earned my first set of "parenting stripes" with the completion of the first year.
So, here…are the Top 30 things I have learned from year one: 1. I can love someone covered in amniotic fluid, poop, spit-up, tears, food and/or dirt. 2. Breastfeeding is hard. 3. My husband is an awesome Daddy. And being such an awesome Daddy makes him an awesome husband. (Even if I do get jealous that… >> Read More
When I was giving my 11-month-old a bath the other night I immediately flashed back to an evening I spent with my then boyfriend, now husband, about seven years ago.
We had made plans to have a…low-key evening in. I headed over to his apartment to find him going for a night swim with his roommates. I felt uncomfortable, out of place, and awkward. I thought this was going to be a night for the two of us. As I watched my guy and his pals having a great time in… >> Read More
1. Thriving on a nutritious diet consisting of homemade organic food? Check.
2. Perfectly coordinated outfit? Check.
3. Hair well coiffed and adorned with an accessory that flawlessly matches the…ensemble? Check. Oh how I wish that were MY checklist. It, however, belongs to my 11-month-old little girl. I always make sure she is well fed, perfectly groomed, and has any and everything she could want that is within my power to give her. As for me, I’m lucky if I squeeze a shower in… >> Read More
A few weeks ago friends of mine, each with 15-month-old little girls, invited my daughter and I to the Skirball Center for their awesome interactive Noah’s Ark exhibit. It looked like so much…fun. But while the gallery would be filled with pieces depicting the tale of the great flood, I was flooded with panic brought on by my great fears. As I mentioned in my piece, "I’ve Got a Bad Case of Mommy Cabin Fever," getting out of the house is a challenge for me. The longest distance… >> Read More
Now that my daughter is 10 months old…AH, WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!? (yes, yes, I understand that it was literally 10 months ago) it has really hit me that she’s been “out” longer than she was…“in.” When my husband and I found out I was pregnant, it took a little while for the reality of it all to set in. Sure, the pee sticks told me I was pregnant (yes… multiple sticks--I wanted to be sure), though I didn’t FEEL pregnant or LOOK pregnant. But I WAS pregnant. And the… >> Read More
The other day, I was chatting with a mom friend of mine who has a baby a little younger than my 9-month-old. (We’ll call this baby B… ya know… for “Baby.”) After a lengthy chat about…which solids we’re feeding our babies (we’re still doing fruits, veggies, grains, and she’s trying baby led weaning), she gave me an apologetic look and said: “I think we’ve decided that B is going to be an only child.” I wasn't sure how she wanted me to react. It’s up to everyone to decide (with… >> Read More
5774 is right around the corner and I’ve already been making my resolutions. I always love “The Jewish Holidays.” Yes, I know there are about a million Jewish Holidays, but my family (and…I’m sure many others) dubs Rosh Hashanah/Yom Kippur time THE Jewish holidays. While Passover will always be my favorite (call me when you’ve got 10 plague finger puppets, Tu Bishvat) THE Jewish Holidays are always special. In our family, it’s all about the FOOD. As with any holiday (or special occasion, or a Tuesday), when… >> Read More
To gear up for the High Holidays this year, we’re asking our writers and readers for their Rosh Hashanah Resolution. Here’s one from Kveller writer Jessica Glassberg.
This will be the year…of happiness. The year of learning. The year of appreciation. Appreciating our loved ones, our good fortunes and ourselves. The year of using up memory cards because we’ve taken so many pictures of those and with those close to us. The year of reminding ourselves to put the camera, cell phone, and iPad down sometimes… >> Read More
After reading Elissa Strauss' recent post, The Best Lullabies Turn Out to Be Jewish, I got to thinking about the songs I sing to my daughter when she goes to bed.
Before my little girl was born, I…set out on a mission to find non-traditional lullabies. I didn’t want to croon about bows breaking and cradles falling or trying to buy my daughter’s peace and quiet with diamond rings. And really… who’s buying their babies diamond rings? And that’s the consolation prize only if the mocking bird doesn’t sing? Sheesh. Anyway, I… >> Read More
My intention after my daughter was born was to return to work four months later. My employer, however, had other plans and let me go while on maternity leave (citing downsizing…which yes, is…apparently legal). I never thought I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Somewhere in the back of my head, I kept seeing the stay-at-home mom painted as an uninspired lady who ate bonbons all day. (I have never actually seen anyone eat a bonbon no less multiple bonbons.) You’re home with a baby who can’t… >> Read More
I recently took my daughter to a gym class where they put out an assortment of instruments for the kids to play with. And my little 8-month-old teething machine put every last one of them in her…mouth. As she gave each a slurp, a few of the moms made comments to their children, loud enough for me to hear, "No, no, we don't put these toys in our mouth. They're not clean." And with the comments came the judgmental looks. You know the looks. I had mixed feelings knowing that as the foot… >> Read More
The online parenting community has been abuzz with THIS picture taken from the Life & Style July 22nd issue.
As I sat down to write my response… I needed to take many deep breaths. Deep…breaths to refrain from screaming or WRITING IN ALL CAPS! BAD IDEA? SLAVES? WHAT!?! Deep breaths… deep breaths. Okay, first, some background: actress and vegan lifestyle advocate Alicia Silverstone has started a breast milk-sharing program called, "Kind Mama Milk Share." It is a way for those with a milk surplus to provide for those moms… >> Read More
Prior to becoming pregnant, life was certainly different: I got more sleep. I ate whatever I wanted. I had some wine with dinner… and if "some" wine turned into a bottle of wine, it was just a…sillier night. I got more sleep. I went on a vacation on a whim. I wasn't legally responsible for the life of another human being (yes, I am legally bound to my husband… but I don't think I could be put in jail for not feeding him. I cook for him of my own free… >> Read More
Yesterday, a video circulated around the internet showcasing an emotional Dustin Hoffman being interviewed about his 1982 movie,
. I know, it sounds pretty strange for the guy to get…choked up over a comedy about a struggling actor who disguises himself as a woman and lands a role on a soap opera. In the video, Hoffman acknowledges that he did not transform into the most attractive woman. He explains, "If I met myself at a party, I would never talk to that character because… >> Read More