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Dec 9 2014

QUIZ: How Many Kids Should You Really Have?

By at 12:12 pm

how many kids should you have quiz

So you’re deciding between one, two, or three little wonders. This is a tough decision, with many variables. Thankfully, you have me to help guide you, using a handy dandy quiz. Answer honestly.

1. Which comment makes you the most irritated?

a. Aw, is she lonely?

b. Having two kids is easy! They entertain each other.

c. Wow! Were they all planned?

2. What is your greatest strength?

a. Playing make believe for three hours in a row.

b. Dividing everything exactly in half.

c. Thriving in chaos.

3. How do you feel about changing diapers? Read the rest of this entry →

Nov 17 2014

Chatting With Adam Mansbach, Author of Those F**king Parenting Books You Love

By at 11:31 am

Adam Mansbach, author of "You Have to F--king Eat"

Adam Mansbach is an author of contemporary literary fiction, including the books “Rage is Back” and “The End of the Jews.” However, he’s undoubtedly best known as the author of the New York Times best-selling classic of subversive parenting, “Go the F**k to Sleep.” In that book, Mansbach articulated the deep, almost primal frustration of a parent whose kid just won’t go the…well, you get it. The book was an immediate sensation. His new book, “You Have to F*cking Eat,” taps into that same seemingly bottomless reservoir of parental annoyance, also to humorous effect.

Mansbach took time last week to chat with Kveller contributing editor Jordana Horn about Lenny Bruce, radical honesty and when it’s OK to unleash parental F-bombs.

When you’re not writing these books, would you call yourself a “potty mouth” in real life? Is your internal narrator a Lenny Bruce-esque salty sailor?

Internally, I’m very much a Lenny Bruce/Richard Pryor mash-up. I come from the school of thought that, when properly deployed, profanity can be the most eloquent form of language we have. I grew up around people who cursed with skill and took pleasure in it. When I’m talking to myself, I sound like this in my head all the time. Read the rest of this entry →

Nov 12 2014

Playdates Made Easy With This Convenient Form for Moms!

By at 11:51 am

Madlibs for Making Playdates and Mom Friends

Moms, did you ever wish you had a quick and easy template for a playdate invitation to stick in a cubby or hand to a woman who looks like a potential friend? Well, you’re in luck. Just check off the applicable boxes, and you’re good to go. Soon you—I mean, your kid—might have a new best friend!

Dear Mom of: (Check off one)

[ ] child my child’s same age and gender, so come on, it has to work

[ ] child that is more popular than my child so I’m trying to help my child out

[ ] child I have never seen but this one time I saw you reading a book I like so I’m hoping we’ll be friends

Ever since we talked at: Read the rest of this entry →

Jul 12 2013

Do Our Kids Get Our “Ironic” Jewish Jokes?

By at 12:54 pm

paula deenJust like with the interracial family Cheerios ad controversy, my mailbox promptly filled up with friends wanting to know what I thought about Paula Deen, her allegedly racist remarks, her mea culpa tour, and her subsequent exorcism from TV, cookbooks, etc… (Once again, I understand why I’m most people’s go-to-person for such issues.)

Unlike with the interracial Cheerios ad controversy, however, in Ms. Deen’s case, I know very little about the story beyond what I summarized above. I haven’t followed it except via unavoidable headlines, and so I really have nothing to say.

But, it did get me thinking. So, so many things get me thinking. (There was a saying in Stalin’s Russia: The less you know, the sounder you sleep. Explains why I’ve never been able to do so, I guess.)

When my mother and I returned to the USSR in 1989, 13 years after my family first emigrated to America, I met with some former friends of mine, now in college. One of them explained to me how the African students that were brought over to study in Soviet universities were “no fun at all. They don’t want to party or have a good time. All they care about is hitting the books and getting their university degrees.”  Read the rest of this entry →

Dec 12 2012

Eight Nights of Hanukkah Gift Mistakes

By at 12:45 pm

Yes, of course, anyone who gives your children Hanukkah presents is super-nice, thoughtful, and should be thanked for being such a good person. That being said, here are eight Hanukkah gifts that should be marked “return to sender.”

1. “Sand art” kit: I’ve said it before and will say it again: anyone who gives your child a sand art kit secretly hates you. They don’t hate your kid–they hate YOU. Because there is no imaginable scenario in which the opening of the box of sand art does not end with you having arguably toxic sand permanently embedded in your floor, clothing, and home generally. On the plus side, now someone no longer hates you in secret! Read the rest of this entry →


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