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Jan 4 2013

How to Readjust Your Marriage

By at 11:47 am

Erica Fleischer is OK with her husband working for a porn site.

Heck, I wouldn’t be OK if my husband were a Republican.

Which got me thinking (again) about marriages, especially as my anniversary was this week.

When we choose a life partner, we look for similar values, we look for “chemistry,” and (most of us) just fall in love. All of us hope for long happy lives together as we take a leap of faith. Read the rest of this entry →

Dec 28 2012

Divorce Does Not Define Me

By at 9:36 am

Whenever I make a passing reference to having been married prior to my current husband, the reaction is almost always the same. A moment of silence and then, “How long were you married?”

When I answer this question with, “About a year and a half,” the reaction is far different than when I say “We were together about seven years and a year and a half of that we were married.” It’s as if the asker wants to size up how much sympathy they should have for me based on the amount of time we were together. Married only a little over a year? Not that big a deal. But together for such a long time, far more tragic. Read the rest of this entry →

Dec 21 2012

Don’t Forget About Your Marriage

By at 11:43 am

We’re thinking of going on a trip to Russia. I suddenly realized that I have no idea what happened to the arch villain of my youth, the Soviet Union. I know it broke apart, but why and when I can’t tell you.

I also realized that there are specific social references to popular TV shows and music that are unfamiliar to me. Totally. Never heard of them.

When I thought about it, it came to me that the 80s were my lost decade. Actually, I lost from 1976 to 1992. Those were the years that I was immersed in raising young children.

Everything from those years seems to be just a blur, although I do remember large shoulder pads. Read the rest of this entry →

Oct 18 2012

Why I Keep a Separate Bank Account from My Husband

By at 4:59 pm

pink wallet with credit cards

As part of our Women, Work & Money series, Carla Naumburg enlightens us on the joys of a separate bank account.

Soon after my husband and I got married almost 9 years ago, we set up a joint bank account. My husband closed the personal account he had maintained since college. I did not. I kept my own account, under my own name. Nearly a decade later, I still have it.

We each have a checkbook and ATM card for our joint account. I also have a checkbook and debit card for my own account. My husband’s credit card is linked to our shared account; my credit card (which is also under my name alone) is linked to mine. My husband is the primary earner in our family, and his income is deposited into our joint account each month. My inconsistent income from writing, teaching, and advising, goes into my account. Read the rest of this entry →

Oct 11 2012

Why Being Orthodox Didn’t Work For Us

By at 10:12 am

skirt and long sleeveFour years ago my husband and I were married in a traditional Orthodox ceremony. There was no question about what kind of wedding we would have.

My husband was raised as an Ultra Orthodox Jew. Two years before meeting him I had an Ultra Orthodox (ultra kosher) conversion. I made the commitment to live my life as an observant Jew. I committed to marrying a Jew and raising my future children up in the Jewish faith. I could not have been happier with my decision or felt more fulfilled as a Jew and a human being. Read the rest of this entry →

Mar 22 2012

Apparently My Interfaith Marriage is Too Happy

By at 3:47 pm

interacial familyDue to past writing I’ve done on Kveller, as well as on, about my interfaith, interracial, and intercultural family, I am often asked to speak on the subject. I tend to agree because I love to talk about my family. (And I love to talk in general.)

This past week, I was invited to participate in a radio show. As is typical, the producer called me in advance for a pre-interview. And then eventually (politely) dis-invited me from appearing on the show. Because my marriage was too, well, happy. Read the rest of this entry →

Mar 20 2012

Prepare to Be Shocked: Kids Will Change Your Relationship

By at 10:07 am
friends with kids movie poster

Or, Attractive People with Kids.

You may not know that in my spare time (ha!), I’m also a bit of a film buff/reviewer. I’ve interviewed my share of A-list film stars and directors, and I’ll take you with me when I cover the Tribeca Film Festival for the Forward next month. I love the feeling when the lights go off and the screen lights up with other people’s stories. And one film I saw recently about parenting made me think, wow, you’ve got it all wrong.

Read the rest of this entry →

Feb 14 2012

Romantic Heroes, Post-Marriage

By at 9:06 am
When a man loves a woman by alina adams

... he cleans up kid vomit.

Prior to marrying my husband, I published four romance novels. Since marrying my husband–thirteen years ago–I have published figure skating murder mysteries, non-fiction, and women’s fiction. But, no more romances.

My husband’s theory is that, since meeting him, no fantasy hero conjured from my imagination could live up to the comparison. (My husband has a very high–though, self-aware–opinion of himself. While we were touring potential kindergartens for our daughter, he said of one principal we met, “I like her! She’s even more arrogant than me!”)

He’s right. But, not in the way he thinks. Read the rest of this entry →

Feb 10 2012

Shabbat: The Valentine’s Day of Every Week

By at 1:35 pm

finger people huggingMy husband is an entrepreneur who runs his own company, and I’m a doctoral candidate. This means that five to six nights each week, he comes home from work just as I’m getting the girls in bed. We’ll have a quick dinner together, and then we both sit down in front of our respective computers to get some more work done before we get in bed way too late. Our conversations tend to be more like updates than discussions; he’ll tell me how much the car repair bill is, I’ll remind him that we have to get up early in the morning to make lunch for the girls. It’s not much of a connection, to be honest. Read the rest of this entry →

Jan 26 2012

For a Happy Marriage, Put Your Kids First

By at 9:18 am

anniversary champagneMy husband and I celebrated our anniversary recently. We met at summer camp when he was 17 and I was 16-years-old. I knew, in the middle of my senior year of high school, that he was the one for me. While I was dating someone else. But that’s another story.

As a geriatric social worker, I have been privileged to know, and learn from, many older adults. Many have shared their life stories with me. And it is clear to me, based on those stories, and my own observations of my peers, that the families that work best achieving self-actualization and happiness for its members are the ones where the kids, not the marriages, come first. Read the rest of this entry →


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