There are many designers of attractive maternity clothing these days–as a preggo, you’re not simply expected to put on a sack and suck it up for a few months. But where there is good, there is also evil. Following, please find my own selection of what I believe to be the worst maternity clothes, undoubtedly created by misogynistic sadists. Please feel free to comment, as well as add your own. Purchase not required, nor encouraged.
1. Pregnancy overall shorts.
Who came up with this stroke of genius? “Can I help you?” “Yes, please. I’m looking for something that makes me look a little less like a woman, but a little more like a farmer who has an unusual predilection for stealing watermelons.” “Right this way, ma’am, we have the perfect item for you.” Let me explain–I don’t want to LOOK like a baby. I’m HAVING a baby. You see the difference? Sigh.
2. “Rub My Belly” t-shirt.
Now, I’ve already spoken amply about how annoying it is to have random people come up to you and comment on how large you are (“Are you having twins?” OY.). But let’s not forget the equally annoying random-person-touching-your-belly phenomenon. If you are pregnant, you know what I’m talking about. It happens all the time, without the person even asking, sort of like you’re an animal in the petting zoo. I got touched by a waitress at a Thai restaurant the other night. Well, maybe that’s cultural. But even though I may be taking up more personal space, I really want all of it to myself, only with incursions by people I love.
3. Weird Sexy Girl T-shirt.
Go ahead–please explain to me why, at the moment in my life when I feel possibly the least sexy I’ve ever felt, I’d like to have a picture of a random hot girl in a suggestive pose on my maternity t-shirt.
4. Robin Hood Meets Maternity Skirt
This one’s been amply blogged about, but should be given points here for its unusual combination of ugliness AND thinly-veiled (pun intended) obscenity. Why wear anything at all?
5. “I’m Pregnant AND Fat!” t-shirt
On the back, does it say, “And I’ve given up on myself completely. Please pass the corn dogs”?
6. Arrrrrrrrr, We Be Preggos!
Ahoy there, matey. Thar she blows. A hump like a snowhill. It is Moby Dick! But you have to applaud this ensemble for its tacit nod to women in the workplace. Here is a depiction of a woman who has a full-time job outside the home and is a mother. She’s got it all, ladies. Livin’ the dream. Yargh! Where be the treasure?
7. “The Princess And The Pea”
Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the moral of that fairy tale, “What makes you a princess is bitching and moaning about the smallest things”? Perhaps an inauspicious beginning to parenthood.
9. “It’s A Girl!” yoga pants
Do I really need something, at this point in time, which would bring MORE attention to my ass? Does it have small print that says, “Look down my butt crack to find out more!” Although I will give credit where credit is due: these pants do raise the potentially lucrative possibility of selling the space on my newly-embiggened ass as advertising space. I’m going to have to think about that one a little more.
10. The Pregnant Prom Dress
This is quite understandably the last item on the list. Honestly, where can one go from here?