Is my stroller good enough for you?

Renee Septimus’ article “Enough Already with the Mommy Wars” about the battle between stay-at-home and work-outside-the-home moms (because we are all working moms) got me thinking about judgment. It makes me cringe to think of how critical moms can be of one another’s career choices, and it extends beyond paychecks. If you don’t have the right car seat/stroller/enrichment class, other moms might smile (out of sympathy?) to your face and then badmouth you to anyone who will listen.

My answer to, “What do you do?” is, “As much as I can.” My first job and priority is SAHM. After that, I am a freelance journalist, and I teach group cycling classes at local gyms. I work when my daughter sleeps or is at preschool. When she is around, she has my (mostly) undivided attention. Read the rest of this entry →

• Posted in Parenting
• Tags: judging, mommy wars, stay at home moms, working moms

The other day I was channel surfing as my grandson was sleeping and Anderson Cooper had a show on about the “mommy wars.” Yet another spotlight on this very tired topic, based on a recent study from the University of North Carolina, Greensboro, which claimed that women who worked outside of the home were “happier and healthier” than full time stay-at-home moms. The panel consisted of three women in each camp and an “expert.”

OY! Not again! Forty years of this conversation is more than enough already! Read the rest of this entry →

• Posted in Parenting
• Tags: stay at home moms, working moms

A headhunter recently contacted me about a fantastic speech writing job. It was the sort of job I would have killed for when I finished graduate school in 2009 and was still charging my way up the communications career ladder. At that time, of course, no one in Boston was hiring writers.

Now my skills are seemingly back in demand, which is great news. However, I’m no longer available.

Before Lila arrived, I decided to slow down and freelance while being a Stay-at-Home-Mother (SAHM). So, I traded the career ladder for what my sister-in-law calls a “career lattice.” The lattice encapsulates the notion that for personal reasons, people willingly put high-octane careers on hold – stepping sideways, rather than up – for periods of time. So far, this has worked well for me. But how many people know about the lattice or support it?

I intend to rejoin the outside-my-home workforce in the future; I just don’t know precisely when. And I certainly don’t want potential employers to think I’ve lost my discipline or my ability to write on deadline. After all, that’s what made me valuable.

My pickle is a variation of one many mothers face, especially SAHMs. So, in honor of all those currently doing the world’s hardest job, I offer a list of reasons why mothers make the best hires:

1. Ford Tough Times Ten. I can now do everything I used to do – and more – only on less sleep and while holding a small Thanksgiving turkey (aka, my baby). That’s hard core.

2. Multitasking Queen. Forget Six Sigma. Ask a mother to oversee any project, and she’ll find a way to streamline, avoiding any unnecessary steps. I can now type, talk, and feed my baby simultaneously. Or, do laundry, put away groceries, and respond to email while holding her. Imagine how productive I’d be in a quiet office! Read the rest of this entry →

• Posted in Parenting
• Tags: SAHM, work, work-life balance, working moms

I love my job, even the morning commute.

Sarah Tuttle-Singer has had her share of mishaps trying to adjust to life on the Kibbutz. One of our contributors (thanks Tamara!) just dubbed her Kibbutz Barbie. The name has stuck. We love it.

We don’t get to hang out much anymore, my kids and I, now that I’m working in Tel Aviv four days a week for a dynamic and engaging digital media agency.

After taking a long hard look at our finances – not to mention the fact that I was going batshit crazy riding around in circles on the kibbutz – I decided to look for a fulltime job.

I emailed my resume to some interesting companies, hit “refresh” about a thousand times a day, and felt flushed with cheery optimism when I received a few replies.  It turns out that while writers like me are a dime-a-dozen in the United States, we’re kind of a commodity in Israel, and it’s nice to feel wanted.

I borrowed grownup clothes from a friend on the kibbutz.  I rode the shuttle in a flurry of nervous optimism. I arrived three hours ahead of schedule and drank two lattes. And when I received an offer from an exciting job at a digital media company in Tel Aviv, I said yes.

“What about your kids?” B asked.

“Just because I have a uterus doesn’t mean I can’t be the primary breadwinner,” I replied.

And I love my job: from the morning commute on the crowded train where I inevitably become intimately acquainted with someone’s armpit or (if I’m lucky) chest hair, to the bus ride from the train station to my office with my expat friend from NYC, to the people I work with and the coffee we drink, to the sound of my high heel hooker boots hitting the pavement of a bustling city, to just being the F away from the kibbutz, to the adrenaline rush that comes with doing something that involves every electrode in my brain, to the thrill of learning, always learning. Read the rest of this entry →

• Posted in Parenting
• Tags: featured, Israel, kibbutz, Kibbutz Barbie, working moms

Mayim Bialik on the set of Big Bang Theory. Image Credit: Sonja Flemming/CBS

I work on “The Big Bang Theory” and I was required to work on the first two days of Sukkot. We had rehearsal and run-throughs of the script for producers, writers, and CBS; there was no filming involved. Normally, I would have been in synagogue, but this year, I wasn’t and it’s okay. This is my life right now, and here are 3 ways I made it work for me (in addition to making festive meals, drinking kiddush and lighting candles at home.)

1) I hired a car service to drive me to work. Sure, being in a car is halachically different than driving a car myself, but it’s not how i would choose to observe the holiday. That being said, it was relaxing and a nice change of pace to commemorate the holiday this way. And, no, my driver wasn’t Jewish, so I didn’t cause any Jew to break the holiday on my behalf. That would’ve been a bummer so close to Yom Kippur, because I totally just atoned for everything I have pretty much ever done, thought, or fantasized about. Gotta keep the slate clean.

2) I didn’t use my laptop or my phone from work. What a lovely break this was, and it made it really feel like a yontif (holiday)! I normally keep my laptop constantly running at work, and I respond to dozens of emails a day about meetings, publicity, my book being edited, etc., right when they come in. I am a real slave to technology, and for those 2 days, I really embraced the aspects of observance that force us to focus on ourselves, and not on the things we distract ourselves with.

3) I dressed fancy. I grew up with parents who were snazzy dressers, and who encouraged me to have special “shul” clothes. It always made holidays and Shabbat special, and I have carried this pattern into my own adult life, and have passed it on to my sons, who also love dressing fancy for shul, even though they call it dressing like “Maccabeats” (of Yeshiva University fame). Anyway, I dressed in shul clothes for work this year, and it felt really special. I don’t tend to wear sparkly dresses to work in general, or my hair in a French twist with pearl studs. I didn’t wear heels, since we work long days, but I put on proper make-up before the holiday started (it’s customary not to put it on during the holiday) and really felt like I had brought the holiday with me to work by dressing fancy.

One day, I hope to be in a position to set my taping schedule around the 8,000 Jewish holidays that I want to observe according to halacha, but for now, I remain a Jew in exile, a soul yearning for its way home, and a happily employed actress on “The Big Bang Theory.”

I wasn’t sure if I should be so public about me working on the holiday, but I have never claimed to be perfect in observance, and I hope that by sharing ways I make observance fit my life, I can give someone else the support to know that it’s it’s not all or nothing as we learn and grow, that while we are on any particular path, we can still enjoy it even if it’s not moving exactly where – or as fast as – we want it to.

• Posted in Parenting
• Tags: Big Bang Theory, featured, sukkot, working moms

We all need a safety net.

An article in the New York Times this weekend gave a glimpse into the world of one building in Chinatown, where three generations–12 family members– live together under one roof.  The grandfather and the two siblings and their respective families each have separate apartments, and there’s a common playspace up at the top of the building. Meals are communal, as is shopping. They act as a unit.

I was telling my husband about the article, and he said, “That just sounds like an urban version of what we have.” And in many ways, it pretty much does.

My husband, three kids, and I live in the New Jersey town where I grew up (and continue to grow up, if we’re being honest). My parents live a mile away (“1.1 miles,” as my husband has already calculated). One of my sisters lives with her husband and three kids in the same town. The other sister lives one town away with her husband and two kids. My brother was the rebellious one: he’s in Westchester.

My parents taught us well by their own actions. They have always been there for us, whether it is babysitting for our honeymoons (yeah, that would be for me) or letting us move in after a terrible divorce (that would be me again). Despite the fact that they are in their 60s, my parents have two cribs, three Gyminis and at least three sizes of diapers in their house. We have learned from their example. We restock each other’s refrigerators when the other person is about to come back from vacation. Read the rest of this entry →

• Posted in Parenting, Traditions
• Tags: family, rosh hashanah, working moms

The line to get into the United Nations for press this morning just before 8 am was a veritable polyglot scrum. People from all over the world, waiting to get into a place where all nations can join together in attempts at harmony. To me, that sounds a hell of a lot like the line for Disneyworld’s It’s A Small World. It’s hard to say which line moves faster.

I got to the security screening tent, where people wearing flak jackets yell at us to turn off our cell phones. I’m not entirely sure why that is. I did so anyway and put my stuff through the scanner. The breast pump got a raised eyebrow from the male security guard, but he let it pass through.

As I picked it up and shouldered my backpack, I walked toward the media center. I was preoccupied by a response to my post yesterday in which I dared say that I feel that breastfeeding, and in particular pumping, can be a real pain in the ass. I find this a noncontroversial point – having to be hooked up to machinery, if I’m not with my baby, every three hours is no picnic and even borders on unpleasant. That would be true even if the machine was something Sarah’s rabbi found in her drawer instead of what I’m talking about… okay, maybe that would be more enjoyable than the nipple-tweaking going on here. But there were still people who responded to that post saying that I was being selfish, that my priorities were in the wrong place — in short, accusing me of bad mommying.

I think parenting’s greatest problem is the sanctimony that can come with it — the feeling, nurtured by the welcoming availability of the Internet, that doing things your way when it comes to parenting gives you free license to openly denigrate what others do. Read the rest of this entry →

• Posted in Parenting
• Tags: featured, pumping, united nations, working moms

This week, Jordana will be covering the UN General Assembly for The Jerusalem Post. Here’s her dispatch from yesterday, Day 1.

For many reporters, the drama of this week at the UN is simply a front-page story. For those of us who are more directly involved – such as me, by virtue of being Jewish and writing for an Israeli paper –  it’s unbelievably tense. This week will see an important moment in the Middle East and the world with the possibility of the unilateral declaration of a Palestinian state in the United Nations. While the US has said it will exercise its veto on such a move in the Security Council, the Palestinians may approach the General Assembly for approval instead. The gesture is largely symbolic but is a big one for Palestinians and Israelis alike. It is a region of the world where symbols hold tremendous import, where diplomacy is exceptionally difficult and where mistrust is high. And my job puts me on the front lines, my pen poised to transcribe history.

It’s Sunday and the meeting of the Palestinian Donor Conference at the United Nations is this evening. It’s closed to the media, but there will be a “stake out,” a terrific phrase meaning a press conference with question-and-answer opportunities, so I need to be there.  I preemptively sign permission slips, make tomorrow’s lunches for the kids and make sure that their backpacks are ready to go to school in the morning, knowing that by the time I get home, I will barely have the wherewithal to pour a glass of wine.

Having finished breastfeeding baby G, I get ready to saddle up and ride, driving into the city to the UN from our New Jersey home. I’m leaving Wonder Husband at home with a baby who is much crankier than usual, i.e. screaming her head off. My husband seems unfazed and wishes me good night and good luck. I, on the other hand, get in the car wondering if the little girl, who has a cold, has an ear infection, too.

Immediately, the first contingency surfaces. Foolishly, I was so engrossed in finding out the schedule of speakers for the UN that I neglected to check the schedule of the Jets, who play in the Meadowlands: their thousands of fans use the same road I’m using. I drum my fingers on the steering wheel and decide to call my boys at their dad’s house. Read the rest of this entry →

• Posted in Parenting
• Tags: featured, Israel, politics, pumping, united nations, work-life balance, working moms

The film “I Don’t Know How She Does It,” an adaptation of the terrifically funny and true book of the same name by Allison Pearson, is due to emerge on screens nationwide this weekend. The film is meant to pose the dilemma of those who work out of the home and simultaneously parent – specifically if you have a vagina, since tons of men do this every day and seldom do we hear the admiring query, “Wow, he’s a dad and has a job – how does he DO it?”

In my book, you don’t need to have a job outside the home for me to wonder how you do it. Basically, if you’re a mother and show up in public with your hair combed, I wonder how you do it. If you are a parent and you shower every day, I wonder how you do it. If you’re a mother and you’re on time for picking up your kids when school lets out, I think you should get a bronze star. Silver is for you making it to the nurse’s office at school in under 10 minutes. Gold is for having a kid who doesn’t go to the nurse’s office. These things usually go unsung, and they shouldn’t. Because it’s really hard to make this whole operation work, much less to make it look as seamless as you do, and you should be proud of yourself for doing it.

Whether you have help or not, as I’ve made clear, doesn’t make a damn bit of difference to me: if you’re a parent, you have a huge job that is more challenging and time-consuming than anything anyone without kids can ever imagine. You remember to put your kid’s lunch in his backpack every day? If you think no one is clapping for you, you’re wrong. I am. I’m proud of you, little soldier!

So I’m writing this now because I find the opening date of this movie’s timing suspect – because I, newly-minted parent of three, also work outside the home, and next week is about to be the biggest week of my professional year. And I Don’t Know How I’m Going To Do It. Read the rest of this entry →

• Posted in Parenting
• Tags: featured, pumping, united nations, working moms

I’ve made a decision.

I’m going to look for a part time job. One that will get me out of my yoga pants and out of the house.

Yes, I know, in the grand scheme of decisions, this one seems about as exciting as my extended morning conversations with my toddler regarding her underwear choice. Those of you who know me are probably wondering what I’ve got my decidedly-not-Hello-Kitty-panties in a twist about this time.

The thing is, it’s a big deal for me, even though my girls have been in day-care part time since they were 3 months old. I’ve used the time to work on my doctorate and part-time jobs that I could do almost entirely from home. It’s generally worked out well, as I’ve had the flexibility to take the girls to the pediatrician for their endless ear infections. (I’m still waiting for them to offer me a frequent shopper card.)

But now they’ve got tubes in their ears, and I’ve got cabin fever. I miss going into an office and seeing colleagues and having projects and goals. I miss talking to grown-ups on a regular basis. Although my nightly conversations with my husband are lovely, I need more stimulation than our check-ins about Frieda’s potty progress and Rosie’s adorable but generally ineffective attempts at walking.

I know what you’re asking yourselves. If the kids are already in daycare, what does it matter whether I’m working at home or in an office? To the girls, not so much. To me, it’s a major mind shift.

Read the rest of this entry →

• Posted in Parenting
• Tags: work-life balance, working moms