accident

Everything That Ran Through My Mind After My Baby Fell Off the Table

accident

My baby fell on the changing table.

You’re probably already judging me. I’m judging me, too–don’t worry. Yeah, it happened, and it could happen to anyone. Thank God, he was fine. The pediatrician kind of laughed at me when I insisted on bringing him in, and told me that it does, in fact, happen every day. If it does happen to you, watch for vomiting and a change in behavior and eating habits. Unless that happens, however, but your kid is most likely totally fine.

READ: My Baby Got Stitches & I’m Still Recuperating

Here’s almost exactly what went through my mind:

1. Oh my God…
2. How did that happen, I was holding his leg…Wow, he is strong.
3. Man, his head makes a loud thump, even on carpet.
4. I am the only mom who has ever done this before, ever in the history of parenting.
5. This must happen all the time.
6. I should Google whether or not to rush him to the ER.
7. The ER will probably call child protective services.
8. I’ll call the pediatrician first.
9. I’ll call my mom first.
10. People with master’s degrees don’t let their babies fall off of changing tables.
11. Maybe if I tell people it was the couch, it won’t sound so bad.
12. Is the five-year-old going to miss her guitar lesson because of this?
13. Crap, the five-year-old needs to be picked up in 10 minutes.
14. He only cried for a second, so he must be fine.
15. Shit, there’s a bump on his forehead.
16. He must have a hematoma.
17. He must have brain damage.
18. How many points did I just knock off of his IQ?
19. I don’t want him to have the radiation from a head CT.
20. He is smiling and laughing–he must be in shock.
21. Am I in shock?

READ: Stop Asking the Internet for Parenting Advice

22. I am the worst mother EVER.
23. Oh, that’s what the straps are for on the changing table.
24. The other moms will shun me.
25. Dammit, Yom Kippur was yesterday, I have to wait a whole year to repent. Why couldn’t this have happened two days ago?
26. What if I just don’t tell ANYONE and see what happens?
27. That’s nuts, he probably has a brain bleed.
28. This never would have happened with my first kid.
29. Again, but I was HOLDING HIS LEG.
30. I’m crying, but he’s not…Typical.

READ: No Matter How Many Kids You Have, You’ll Be Stressed

This is not the last time my already linebacker-esque boy will have a bump or a bruise, but it was the first, and that’s part of what made it so hard. Parenting is brutal, and I hear that parenting boys can mean lots of stitches. Hang in there, mommas, it only gets harder.

The opinions expressed here are the personal views of the author. Comments are moderated, so use your inside voices, keep your hands to yourself, and no, we're not interested in herbal supplements.

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