If you have a young child–let’s say 3 or 4 years old–attending a day camp program (I use “day camp” in the loosest sense of the word, as “camp” for kids this age can be as little as two hours a day), you are familiar with what I like to call The Informative Sticker.
The Informative Sticker is slapped on your kid’s back at the end of the day under the (correct) assumption that the kid doesn’t have either the capacity or inclination to really fill you in on the machinations of his day, and therefore needs a prompt of sorts. Let’s not forget the twin assumption that a kid would peel a sticker off his or her chest in the time it takes you to find their shoes, so hence the dorsal location for said sticker. So the counselors write something up about the kid’s day and slap it on the kid’s back–therefore, the kid doesn’t take it off, and you get to have a clue of what goes on in your absence.
The stickers are adorable. They say sweet things like, “I had a great time at arts and crafts–I made a teepee out of popsicle sticks!” or “Ask me about my sandcastle in the sandbox I made with Tyler and Jordan!” The stickers are meant to provide the twin reassurances that a) the counselors have actually observed what your child was doing in the course of the day, and b) your money is well-spent, because your kid is having fun, as can be illustrated by concrete examples of said fun.
But what if The Informative Sticker erred more on the side of candor, or mystery, or if the counselors just decided to screw with you? Here’s what might ensue:
“Ask me why I feel it’s necessary to pick my nose constantly and wipe it on my counselor’s shirt all goddamn day!”
“I love to gobble glue!”
“I had fun sticking popsicle sticks into various orifices of the classroom hamster today–maybe when I grow up, I’ll be a gynecologist!”
“I pooped seven times today, and only three were in my pants, which is a total improvement from yesterday!”
“Ask me why my counselors have no idea whatsoever what I did today, and in fact didn’t even think I came to camp until they spotted me as they were handing out these stupid stickers!”
“I laughed so much when I was stabbing a dolly with a stick over and over again during playtime!”
“Ask me about how I pretended a block was a cellphone, and referred to someone with your husband’s first name as a ‘womanizing shithead’!”
I think there’s a lot of potential here. And just think of what fun there could be if someone were to put the Informative Sticker on some husbands’ backs as well!
“Ask me if I ogled that 25 year old woman’s butt in the gym today during my workout!”