All families come in different shapes and sizes and kinds–but that doesn’t mean the love is any less. For one married couple who are dads to two kids, this couldn’t be more true–and a lesson for those who think families do come “one way.” Trystan and Biff are two dads living in Portland, Oregon who adopted their two children. However, their family isn’t stopping there: Trystan is pregnant.
Trystan is transgender–and has been pregnant before, but suffered a miscarriage around six weeks. For any parent, this is devastating but for Trystan, it was especially complicated because trying to become pregnant means he couldn’t take testosterone. This was why the couple decided to try again shortly after the miscarriage–which the couple discussed on the WNYC podcast, the Longest Shortest Time.
The anxiety over another miscarriage was so heavy that Trystan would weigh himself “obsessively” to make sure he was gaining enough weight. In the podcast, he stated how hard it can be for his own identity to be a transgender man who is pregnant:
“I can feel someone looking at my face and searching for the remnants of womanhood. They kind of squint their eyes a little bit and I can tell they’re trying to take away my beard, they’re trying to de-transition me in their heads.”
Besides the podcast, the couple have been documenting their experiences on their personal website and Facebook page, where they talk about their parenting experiences and how their gender identity and parent identities are complicated and fluid.
Biff wrote in a blog post how he feels more like a mom than a dad–which talks a lot to how we view parenthood as a primary role for moms and not dads. This role-assigning is especially complicated for LGBTQ parents:
“I don’t feel the need to defend my parenthood, but I think some people forget that those of us who became parents in alternative ways often did so in the middle of a fucking tornado. For alternative families, the path to parenthood can often include things that can be traumatic, like abuse, court battles, violence, and fear. The bond with my children was forged in the struggle to save their lives. This struggle was long, messy, and painful. The pain I endured to claim the role as guardian of my child was not the same as yours, but it was painful nonetheless. Don’t get me wrong- I love my mom friends. I’ve been amazed at how openly I’ve been welcomed into parenthood by so many wonderful people. But I think it’s easy to forget that moms come in all different shapes, sizes, and dare I say… genders.
And so I’ve often struggled with the uncomfortable feeling I get when I have to say I am the children’s dad, because I feel more like their mom. Over time, I’ve mostly made peace with this internal struggle. I get that not every person will get the nuances of the dynamic in my family.
For now, my kids call me Dada and I am okay with that. I don’t intend to start making everyone refer to me as mom (however hilarious that might be). But make no mistake, I may not be a woman, but I am a mom.”
Luckily, it seems the couple have experienced a wealth of support from their friends, family, and doctors, according to Cosmopolitian. Funnily enough, they found out their baby is going to be a boy, with Trystan joking: “Our baby has been diagnosed male. That’s my own little joke in our family — diagnosis: male.”
You can watch Trystan talk about being pregnant and a man below–best wishes to his pregnancy and delivering a happy and healthy baby:
Joanna Valente is the former Staff Writer at Kveller. Joanna is the author of Sirs & Madams, The Gods Are Dead, Xenos, and Marys of the Sea, and received an MFA at Sarah Lawrence College. You can follow @joannasaid on Twitter and @joannacvalente on Instagram.
