My favorite “back in the olden days” story to tell my kids is that back in my day (the late 1900s), we didn’t have water bottles. At school, I waited in a line of 20 kids to take a sip from a water fountain (each kid got exactly three seconds). Sometimes, if I was very lucky, my parents would buy me a plastic bottle of water from a grocery store or amusement park.
Now, I have so many water bottles I’ve considered buying a water bottle organizer (even though, on principle, I feel weird about the invention of new products to contain our overconsumption). When I was a kid, I felt a profound sense of comfort when I heard the jingling of keys in a pocket — that’s when I knew my dad was home from work. I wouldn’t be surprised if my kids feel that same sense of peace when they hear my signature noise: my phone banging against a stainless steel water bottle as I schlep both necessary items across the house.
All that to say, I’ve had experience with what feels like every water bottle brand. So if you’re in the market for a new water bottle (I am contractually obligated as a Jewish mom to remind you that hydration is very important), here are my kvetches and kvells about each of them:
Kvetch: When I went to Jewish summer camp in the Y2K era, somehow everyone arrived at camp knowing that this was the status water bottle. I did not.
Kvell: I watched the cute nature counselor run over it with his truck and it did not break.
Kvell: Not to flex but I was actually early-ish to the 40 ounce Staney tumbler trend, mainly because at the time you couldn’t find many water bottles with real straws — a must for me, because my teeth are sensitive to cold, but I insist on only drinking ice cold water.
Kvetch: It’s not leak-proof, so I can’t just throw it into my bag, and it’s so top heavy that I’m constantly knocking it over. And now that other brands are making leak-proof water bottles with straws, I hardly have a use for it. Plus, all the plastic add ons?? Are you kidding me?
Kvell: Remember when VSCO girls were a thing in 2019-ish? Part of their whole deal was the Hydroflask water bottle, which feels like the Nalgene of the 2010s — made for the outdoors, co-opted by the cool kids. Of course I bought one.
Kvetch: I don’t like the way any of the sip attachments feel in my mouth and think it makes my water taste vaguely of metal.
Kvell: These are great to throw in a bag for kids’ sports or squeeze into a water bottle holder on a bike rack.
Kvetch: My daughter knew about the ubiquity of these before I did, marking the first time she knew about a trend before I did and therefore my rapid descent into irrelevance.
Kvell: I don’t actually own this one yet, but I love my Zojirushi rice cooker so much, I’m willing to gamble on their water bottle technology.
Kvetch: I only learned that Zojirushi made water bottles last week which is something I feel like my friends — or at least my algorithm — should have sensed that I needed to know sooner.
Kvell: This is my current water bottle of choice, mainly because I appreciate the straw that sips like a straw but can still be fully closed.
Kvetch: The big one is too hard for my (apparently tiny?) hands to open, and the small one doesn’t hold enough water.
