Pregnancy

A Pregnant Woman’s Ice Cream Rant

Prepare for hormone-induced rant. You ready? Okay.

Since I got pregnant, my e-mail inbox is full of gestation-related goodies. There is a veritable deluge of ads for muumuu-esque maternity clothing that I don’t particularly like or need. I get loads of unsolicited advice on prenatal nutrition and exercise programs (do these people not know that unsolicited advice is really the provenance of my mother?).

Each week, I get at least two e-mails in which the baby in my womb is compared, size-wise, to a different kind of fruit or vegetable (“English hothouse cucumber”? Really?). Add to all this the ads for cord blood donation, as well as the options to sign up for more mailing lists, and I don’t even need work or friends to have a full in-box. Woo hoo!

So I’m the grateful/sarcastic recipient of all this information, solicited and unsolicited, from hither and yon. Which is great, because it’s really easy to hit “delete” on most e-mail programs. But I have one very important question about all this communication.

WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY DID NO ONE TELL ME ABOUT BEN AND JERRY’S FREE ICE CREAM CONE DAY?

Apparently, it was TUESDAY. Yes, that’s right: from noon till 8 pm, free ice cream cones were at an amazing ice cream place, right there for the taking. And I’m pretty sure that with the size of my midsection, I could have convinced them to put some free pickles on top.

I’m sorry–did NO pregnancy auto-mail program think that maybe, just maybe, I’d be more interested in getting a free cone of amazing ice cream than in some random person’s point of view on “how to minimize your big bump”? (Hello: I’m PREGNANT! The bump is SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!)

Sure, you can tell me that Greek yogurt would be better for me and the baby than Chubby Hubby (my favorite flavor). But lighten up–would one cone kill anyone? Much less a FREE CONE? Come on – let me get my chumetz fix in while I can!

And, of course it’s a little too late for this, but did you know ice cream is good for fertility?

And finally, all you “friends” and “family” people who allegedly love me? Where the heck were YOU?

Okay, I’m done now.

Jordana HornJordana Horn is a contributing editor to Kveller. She is a journalist, lawyer, writer, mother of five (pregnant with her sixth), travel aficionado, and self-declared karaoke superstar. Before her life got too crazy, she was the New York correspondent for the Jerusalem Post. She has written for numerous publications including The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, The Los Angeles Times, The Forward and Tablet. She has appeared as a 'parenting expert' on NBC's TODAY Show and FOX and Friends. She enjoys writing about herself in the third person and, one far-off day when everyone is in school, hopes to get back to work on her novel.

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