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Feb 28 2013

Twins Are Coming & I Am Freaking Out

By at 9:49 am

two bottles of formulaI am really starting to freak out. The logistics of having twins, a toddler, a house too small for all of us, and a home business to run is consuming me.

You see, we have no family around to help. The community here is wonderful, but they cannot possibly be here eight hours a day for several weeks as I heal from a probable C-section, attempt to nurse two newborns, and take care of my son who will be 2 1/2 years old. I won’t be able to lift much for six to eight weeks and I plan to strictly adhere to that. The possibility of popping stitches and hemorrhaging scares the shit out of me. It would be disastrous. My husband left to care for me (assuming I survive), two newborns, a toddler, and a business all to himself? He is indeed my Superman, but I don’t think even a superhero could juggle all of that!

My husband thinks he is all the help I need, that he can do everything. I am trying, as I did with our son, to prepare him but I am failing once again. When Aiven arrived he got sucker punched. He rose to the occasion and eventually saw the light at the end of the sleepless tunnel. This is going to be an even bigger challenge than before. There are two things I hear repeatedly from moms of twins:

1) Get help. Lots of it.

2) The first six months are going to be hell, even if you follow rule #1.

And that’s coming from moms who don’t also have a toddler and a business to run. I am also panicking about how my son is going to react to all of this. Will he resent that he is not my one and only any more? Will he despise his sisters? Will he still LOVE me? I worry about my husband, too. Will I ever be able to reach over and snuggle him in the middle of the night since we will have two to three children at any given time in our bed for the foreseeable future? How will we survive the sleep deprivation and the pointless arguments that will surely ensue? I digress.

Our business is a lot of work and was very expensive to set up. We have some money left in the bank, but it has been funding our venture while it becomes self-sustaining and we cannot afford to dip into it for a larger home, a bigger car, or to hire help when the twins arrive. We’ll have to make do with the house as long as we can, and our car can fit a toddler OR the twins, but not all of them at once. I asked my husband to find a solution to this, and I’m hoping his financial wizardry can somehow pull a minivan out of a hat. As for the help I so desperately will need: we are still trying to figure out a solution we can afford.

Nursing Aiven was all-consuming. He ate non-stop and slept only on me. The rare moment he was not nursing, I was pumping. I barely had time to shower or eat during those first few months, and the trial by fire didn’t abate until he weaned himself at 11 months. I had always planned to nurse the twins but now I wonder if I should. Formula might just be easier and it pains me to even consider it since I am able (I assume) and willing (in theory) to nurse. So why should I be rethinking the situation?

Firstly, If I switched to formula, my husband (and others) could feed the girls more often and it would give me some time to heal. I wouldn’t have to contort myself into various positions, lifting and hoisting the girls while trying to tandem nurse. It would be less expensive than hiring someone to help out, and it would allow me to spend more time with our son. Detached from the sofa and the twins, I could do some light cleaning and housekeeping. I could even find time to shower at least once a week. I could do more of just about everything if I’m not nursing around the clock.

The thought breaks my heart. I want to nurse the twins. I loved nursing my son. It was the hardest job in the world and the most rewarding. Yet I have visions in my head of my husband locked in the bedroom keeping our business running while I’m trapped in the living room with our son trying to jump on me, demanding attention, with one newborn on my left leaking poop from her diaper and the other nursing furiously. I see myself sitting there crying helplessly with everything spinning out of control. I don’t want to fail miserably as a wife and mother, so all options are on the table, including formula. And so, I am freaking out. What have I gotten myself into?


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