I attended the “black carpet” premiere of Breaking Dawn, the latest in the Twilight saga. Having never read any of the books and having never seen any of the previous four movies, this was an interesting evening indeed.
Here are 10 more reasons why the evening was interesting.
1) Exhaustion: I was awake since 3:30 a.m. yesterday morning, taping 30 live satellite interviews with morning shows across America. With only a 15 minute nap under my belt, I was pretty exhausted by the time the premiere rolled around. The red carpet started at 4:30. The movie started at 8. I got home at 11 in time to breastfeed Fred and fall asleep. Big day for mama.
2) Preparation: About a year ago I found the make-up/hair person I can not live without and she is really what makes me happy to go out to these events. You may not understand how important a make-up/hair person is, but I found someone who is a) not pretentious, b) quick as lightning, and c) does not hand me any BS. Many actors like to be told they always look fantastic even if they don’t. I am not that actor.
3) The car key: In the middle of all of my preparation, my husband attempted to take the boys to the park and library but could not find our only key to the car with the carseats, which was locked… This kind of thing, in case you don’t know my husband, does NOT happen to him. My husband puts the car key in the same place every day every time no exceptions thank you very much. He tore the house apart and simultaneously tried to keep the boys from flipping out since all they wanted to do was go to the park and library and not watch Mama get made up, as my older son put it, “like a girl clown.”
4) Outfit: Yet again, I tried with a new stylist to find an outfit that did not reveal as much of my body as is revealed in a standard OB/GYN’s exam. This new stylist didn’t really understand my requirements or my personality, and the fitting sort of made me want to cry. We settled on giving up altogether on the concept of a dress and chose a very tight pencil skirt with a chiffon-y Zac Posen top tucked in. We used a piece of blue velvet for a belt and accessorized with a blue clutch and 5-inch stilettos. Her assistant also added a “dope” ring, using an adjective I don’t think women over the age of 14 ought to use.
5) Escort: I have known my friend (who I shall call KT) since we were 11. I know a lot of things about her and can usually guess things she will like and not like in men, fashion, movies, and such. Never in the 25 years we have known each other would I have guessed that she has read all of the Twilight books, has seen all of the movies, and can recount each movie as if it was written in her soul. I was thrilled to take someone to this premiere that actually knew every single actor, their character’s motivation and back story, and who also has a good sense of humor about the whole matter.
6) Carpet: Oh, black carpet. You are twice as long as the Emmys carpet and you scare me. I arrived early to the carpet so that the chips were stacked in my favor for photographers to give a good gosh darn about taking my picture. You see, if you arrive when too many “big” stars are there, you get literally pushed aside and asked to step off of the carpet. Embarrassing, no? So I was feeling good, my red lipstick was not going anywhere, and I was placed on the carpet. My rotten luck, the person walking the carpet before me was a very skimpily dressed actress who I knew from a TV show I used to watch when she was about 15 pounds heavier and looked thin THEN. Needless to say, she was working it on that carpet, posing with her backside thrust in the photographer’s faces, sometimes holding her long tresses up into a messy bun, kicking up a heel other times, playful, sexy, daring, a-MA-zing. The photographers loved this display, it makes for great photos. They sort of hoot and cat call to the actresses on the carpet to encourage this (“Give us a pout, Mayim!” “Blow a big kiss for the camera, Mayim!” “Show us the back of the dress, Mayim, with some attitude!”), and where I resist, obviously, others indulge. This means that many photographers were distracted by the prancing dancing actress ahead of me and I wanted to crawl under the carpet and wait until this subsided. But I couldn’t, so I kept posing and whoever wanted to take my picture did, and whoever was busy with the writhing actress didn’t.
7) Seating: Loved that I got the alta kaker row. The handicapped row allowed me leg room, and the ability to whisper questions to KT when I was confused about the movie, as well as the ability to snicker with her about the movie without people right in front of me or behind me asking me to shut up. I had a nice view of the film, a nice view of the grown women fans who wept openly throughout the movie, and a nice view of the exit so that when the first credits rolled, so did we.
8) Party: The after party was decorated like the wedding scene in the movie which was very romantic and kind of neat. It was misty, or was it just my dirty glasses? I had KT double check that my glasses were not filthy; indeed, it was an “effect.” The party was gigantic, with maybe 1,000 people there. There were slabs of animal flesh abounding (the vegan’s interpretation of whatever roast was in effect), some ethnic-themed food (Italian, Mexican, Chinese — although I suspect that the “egg rolls” were made with more of a taquito material), and drinks. I threw back a glass of champagne, KT had some snacks, I scarfed down three “egg rolls” and had the collective sensation of being utterly overwhelmed and out of place which led me to declare that if KT was done eating, I was done partying.
9) Home: After tottering around on my 5-inch stilettos through the streets of downtown frantically trying to find the car we hired amidst the mayhem (while also being pursued by several friendly autograph seekers), we made it home. I stripped down to my SPANX in the kitchen and handed KT the loaned clothing, shoes, and jewelry for her to return to the stylist today (she babysits right near the stylist’s studio). Then I breastfed Fred, took off as much make-up as one make-up remover wipe could remove, and slept. I woke up at 4 a.m., expecting Fred to do the same, but he didn’t. I tossed and turned for an hour and then got another hour of sleep before starting the day as regular Mama, in my grandmother’s house dress, catching up on life and teaching Neuroscience this morning.
10) Redemption: After a 20 hour day, interviews across this great nation, and the premiere of Breaking Dawn, the car key was found this very morning, squirreled away in one of sweet Fred’s little special boxes he likes to use to collect his favorite items. Amidst a glow in the dark triceratops, a tiny Curious George doll, a clay ball he made with my husband, and things only a 3-year-old would find precious, there it was. The car key.
And so the tenderness of a child and the look on his face when he realized that he was the culprit in yesterday’s drama — the total and complete combination of joy and confusion and apology and relief — remains the lasting image of the past unusual day in the life of this very typical Mama.