When I was pregnant with my first child, I made a point of being judicious when it came to purchasing baby gear. With all the useless, expensive stuff out there, the last thing I wanted was to fall into the trap of feeling like I needed every single baby-related item under the sun. I employed the same philosophy when I was pregnant with my twins, and have, over the past few years, written articles advising other moms to avoid wasting money on unneeded baby gear.
But now that I’ve been doing the parenting thing for a while, I’ve come to realize that there are certain baby items missing from my collection that would make a huge difference in my life. The problem is that they haven’t yet been invented (or at least not to my knowledge). Here’s what my wish list currently looks like:
1. The Baby Dumbwaiter
I live in a house with stairs, and I have twin babies, which means every time I need to take my daughters from one floor to another, I have to pick one up, tackle the stairs, come back for the other, and repeat. It’s exhausting. The baby dumbwaiter would solve this problem.
I envision this product coming to life in one of two ways—either as an attachment to the banister, kind of like those motorized chair lifts you see advertised on TV, or as an independent pulley system that somehow gets installed within the framework of a given house. (The latter would probably be a bit cost-prohibitive, but this is fantasy world, so bear with me.) This way, all you need to do is put your baby (or babies) in a secure carrier or container, press a button, and meet him/her/them at the top or bottom of the stairs. Talk about taking a load off.
2. The Adult Bib
We’re all used to making our little ones wear bibs during mealtime, but in reality, when our kids eat, we’re the ones directly in the firing zone. If anyone needs a heavy-duty bib, it’s us parents. I’m picturing the adult bib as more of a combination full-body poncho/HAZMAT suit. In fact, let’s make it a set and throw in protective goggles and a face mask. If you’ve experienced the sensation of a baby spitting mushed peas back in your face, you’ll see why this is necessary.
3. Glasses Glue
No, I’m not talking about the stuff you’d use to glue your glasses back together if they break; I’m taking about some sort of skin-friendly glue, tape, or other substance that makes eyeglasses or sunglasses stick to your face so that when your baby grabs for them, they don’t suddenly go crashing down to the floor. I can’t tell you how many “oh crap” moments I’ve had over the past few months as a result of my daughters unexpectedly yanking my glasses off my face.
And for those of you thinking, “Hey lady, it’s called a glasses strap,” thanks, but not going to happen. First, I’m not an 80-year-old librarian, but more importantly, I’m not outfitting myself with a chocking device for my babies to use against me. I’ll take my chances rather than suffer neck contusions every time my daughters get worked up in my arms.
What about the rest of you weary, overworked parents out there? What’s on your baby invention wish list? And more importantly, who wants to go in on a Kickstarter campaign for the items above?