I have never been to the Golden Globes before. After “Beaches” came out, I went for part of it, but this is the first time I attended as an actor nominated with a cast, etc. It was intense… in good ways, and also challenging ways. Let me walk you through it.
1. Getting ready. Getting ready featured yet another set of new hair and make-up people. We gave them a full two hours and they were very sweet and finished in about 90 minutes, leaving time for me to scarf down some vegan mac ‘n’ cheese, call my mom and dad, and let stylist Ali stare me up and down and say “Oh my goodness” many times (her incantation as she prepared me for the Emmys was, adorably, “Holy Bajoley” as you may recall).
Sidenote regarding the make-up process: I went on an “exploration expedition” with my sons and one of their friends in our backyard the afternoon before the Globes, which involved pretending we were explorers, with magnifying glasses and sticks and a sense of suspense about what we’d find (scat and a sort of den for some sort of pack-rat animal were the main finds).
Let’s just say they had a blast and I’m still sore from climbing over fences and lifting each of them up over fences, and breaking down brush and twigs so they could get through all of these crazy climbing places. Let’s also say that I scratched my face pretty good on a fair-sized branch and drew blood. The make-up artist had to cover it up with some special effects make-up but it barely showed when she was done. I guess exploring in canyons the day before a large awards event might not be a good idea, but sometimes we moms just have to buck up and do what needs to be done, awards be darned!
I got into the stretch limo right on time and although I don’t fault the driver for reminding me of my loneliness in life (“Just you? Really?”), it didn’t make me feel terribly… supported as I left.
2. The red carpet. I hit the carpet right as it opened, and Amy Adams and I were standing together and she introduced herself to me which was super exciting. Why? Because she was very sweet and gentle and kind, and because I’ve actually seen something she’s been in. I don’t watch TV or go to the movies really ever, so the chances of me knowing anyone “modern” are super slim. And most of the modern people I know, I know from things they did 20 years ago. Because I am an old person. But I know her from “The Muppet Movie.” Yay.
Anyway, the carpet was fun. Besides feeling a little bit like the photographers were not terribly excited about a lot of us TV people, and besides feeling awkward being the fattest woman in Hollywood (even Jennifer Lawrence who used to proudly share my dress size looks like she has left me for smaller pastures…), it went okay. My Terani dress read beautiful in person, but I think some of the details may have been lost in photos. I don’t know. Most of the attention really does go to the movie actors and the scantily-attired TV actresses. That’s just how it works.
A tiny bottle of champagne with a rose-gold-colored drinking spout awaited me after the carpet which was the best post-red-carpet gift ever. Yes, I took it home. I want to use it on every water bottle I drink out of I think.
3. The seating. TV shows inhabit the second tier of the Golden Globes ballroom, and we were right along the ledge looking down on the first tier. Within coughing distance to our table were: Sacha Baron Cohen, Nicole Kidman, Anne Hathaway, Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Naomi Watts, and Steven Spielberg. Just beyond them was my favorite actor, Denzel Washington. Across the ballroom I could see Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter who I love. It was crazy famous people everywhere. I decided that “they” should not let me go to these things because while I didn’t flip out and attack people, I was emitting high pitched hollers when I spotted someone famous. They were yelps of surprise and astonishment and only Bill Prady and Melissa Rauch who I sat next to heard them, but it felt almost overwhelmingly surreal to be there and I worried that I might hop over the ledge and pursue Denzel, for example.
And I may or may not have gotten teary-eyed when I introduced myself to Mandy Patinkin, who was sitting directly behind me and who was sweet as could be. He also held his wife’s hand much of the night which was super cute. She had awesome funky glasses and told me they’ve “always thought you’re great.” !!!!
4. The show. I was tweeting all night only to find out none of my tweets went through… but you didn’t miss much. The show was long, we didn’t win, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are hilarious (even though Tina also left my dress size for smaller pastures it seems), I passed Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger on the way to the bathroom, I almost attacked Christian Bale in the Green Room but thought better of it, Jodie Foster gave an amazing powerful speech highlighting the need and importance of privacy, there was nothing for me to eat, game over.
5. The parties. Well, I was supposed to go to three parties and let’s just say I lasted about 10 minutes at the first one and was home before 9. Yep, that’s my exciting end of the evening. It was too much; too loud, too many people, too much pressure on my feet (good thing I convinced Ali to let me wear my “comfortable” four inch heels; the ones she voted for were far more uncomfortable and I might not have even made it to one party!). I know many people would have stayed and partied all night, but it’s just not my thing. Not like that. It’s okay. Alan Arkin left when I did and he’s pretty awesome, so I figured that made it okay.
6. The aftermath. I sighed a huge sigh of relief when I got home. It was quiet in my house. I read a little and slept fitfully. I got up early, so as to get stuff done before my boys wake up and start the day with me. I have hand therapy this morning, where I will recount all of the prematurely grey actors I saw to my hand therapist. And we also have a full work day today, making multi-camera comedy TV for the close to 20 million people a week who love us, even if the critics last night didn’t vote for us.
7. The big picture. Super grateful to be at the Golden Globes. Super overwhelmed to see movie stars and directors I grew up loving. Super in awe of the Hollywood machine, and what powerful and content-heavy substantial films in particular were chosen for recognition this year. As for the pomp and circumstance and the women praised for who can eat the least and look the most adolescent in terms of body type and the intensity of it all? Not so easy for this little lady.
But I’m getting better; not at becoming a person I’m not, but at becoming more comfortable with the person I am. It’s a tough job, but apparently, I’ve got to do it.
Next up: Screen Actors Guild Awards January 27. Stay tuned!
For more from the red carpet, check out E!’s 360 Glam Cam shot of Mayim, Mayim’s top moments from last week’s People’s Choice Awards, and a recap from last year’s Emmys awards.