I'm About to Turn 40 – Kveller
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I’m About to Turn 40

Tomorrow I will turn 40. I am big on birthdays, just not my own. Still, I usually have a few things on my wish list. This year, though, I don’t want anything but more of the same.

I never thought I would become a mother in my late 30s. I thought it was going to happen in my 20s. Somehow, I lost track of time in Los Angeles and was 35 before I knew it. I told myself that I had to find my husband within the next five years or it was never going to happen. So I moved to New York, found my beshert, and had a baby.

I pray I live a long life as watching Aiven grow is such an immense joy and honor. But we all know that we can’t control these things sometimes. So, I count. How old will I be when he has his Bar Mitzvah? How old will I be when he graduates from high school? What if he waits to get married like I did? Will I be around…in good health?

My saddest counting comes from experience. My father died when I was 4 and I have so few memories of him. I count how many years, the absolute minimum, that I must be around for Aiven to remember me.

I am also concerned about giving him a sibling. I am an only child and never liked it. I conceived Aiven on our first try, but giving him a sibling has proven much more difficult. I have had three miscarriages this past year, and my OB/GYN has been very clear that my age is making it difficult. My eggs are simply not what they used to be.

With all of my counting and worrying about the future, I need to remind myself to be grateful for the present. I had practically lost all hope that I would get married and have children just a few short years ago. And yet here I am, both a wife and mother. I may not live in a place that feels like home nor a house to call my own, but all those terribly lonely years are behind me and I’ve gotten what I always dreamed of — a man who is truly a mensch, a son who is the light of my life, and an abundance of love and laughter.

40 – I am determined not to be scared of you. You’re just a number, and I’m tired of counting. With so much going on in my life and even more to look forward to, who has time to count anyway? So to all of my friends and families who have asked me what to get me for my birthday, all I want is more of the same. More of the same gifts that I’ve been blessed with — health and happiness and friends and family.

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