Last night, Mayim Bialik attended her first real Hollywood movie premiere since Beaches in 1988. The movie? Something Borrowed with Kate Hudson at Grauman’s Mann Chinese Theatre.
1) Make-up. I did my make-up myself at home as I do for almost all events. This make-up application is usually achieved with both of my sons playing with eye shadow brushes and thinking they are very soft and very funny to tickle each other with. I don’t tend to mind them watching me, except when they start fighting over something on the counter or trying to put on my earrings. Tonight, as I started applying make-up, there was some altercation in the living room that ended up with me applying my foundation with one hand while holding a screaming shrieking 2-and-a-half-year-old on my hip with the other hand. The foundation came out even, though, so no harm done.
2) Hair. My super close friend since junior high who we shall call by the initials “K.T.” is sort of my unofficial unpaid stylist. She picks my outfits and accessories, and she told me for this event I am to go to one of those places that does your hair for you. I did just that, barely able to be heard over the blaring Avril Lavigne they had playing. The people working there were possibly not yet 18 years old but they were very hip. The young woman assigned to do my hair asked animatedly, “Soooo… what’s the event?”
“Um… premiere at Mann’s Chinese,” I grumbled.
A little too excitedly, she exclaimed, “WOW! What do you do?” I don’t care if people recognize me at all, but I didn’t want to get into my whole history that started before she was even born, so I just said, “Actor” and picked up my phone to pretend to be checking my email.
She asked what kind of hairdo I wanted from the “menu” and I wasn’t sure. They all sounded so…unnecessary. I texted K.T. who responded with the following: “Tell her big sexy Victoria’s secret hair.” Okay. Done. I watched the end of “My Best Friend’s Wedding” with subtitles (I had never seen it; I wanted him to choose Julia Roberts but oh well) and sipped a mimosa. The stylist told me that next time (argh), for some nominal fee, I can get a scalp massage with my shampooing! I said, “Oh cool!” but was really thinking, “This is enough of someone touching me already, no thank you.”
3) K.T.’s Judgment. I picked up K.T. who parked on a street in Hollywood near Grauman’s so we could carpool to the parking lot. She approved of the hair (“It’s bumpin’ on top!” she noted, acknowledging the copious back-combing done to achieve the appearance of more hair than I actually have since having two children). She approved of the make-up. “More gloss?” I asked.
“Always more gloss,” she said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Right, of course.
4) Red Carpet. The carpet was blue, first of all. I was dressed in “business” attire as the invitation instructed. Most of the other women were in–yes, you guessed it: strappy sexy stretchy bright strapless mini dresses. No matter, I was happy with my Mossimo for Target dress (I forgot to open the kick pleat, but K.T. said it made my silhouette even more “teeny tiny” as she likes to say), my Club Monaco jacket (which cost more than the dress and the Mossimo stilettos put together) and my possibly-too-bright but very sweet satin clutch I got at a SWAG event from a Spanish designer. I walked the carpet assisted by my publicist’s very chill associate who I adore, and I got shouted at to “turn this way,” “face this way,” “smile more,” and “move over” plenty. I felt good and I made it to the end of the carpet without tripping once.
5) Inside The Theatre. Free popcorn (no butter, so no vegan conflict) and free Pepsi! I actually prefer Coke, but I did not resist. We found our seats after the sweet elderly usher said “Hey–aren’t you that girl from ‘What Not to Wear’?” I laughed and said, “Yes. You just made my night, sir.” I ate some popcorn and had some Pepsi and we people watched. We took pictures of each other. I didn’t see anyone famous (though Hilary Swank, John Krasinski, and Kristin Cavallari were there), but it was still fun. I left before the movie started for various reasons which are not terribly interesting. The least interesting being that I had to pump so I did that and drove home to put my boys to bed.
6) The Valet Dilemma. I was given a parking pass when I checked in at the red carpet which I presented to the valet. He told me it was not good for anything and asked for $7 for the 30 minutes I had been there. I stood my ground and told him this pass was specifically given to me to use to not pay $7 for parking. He asked his associates in Armenian what to do about me, and finally, the senior valet administrator approved me leaving without paying; my pass was apparently kosher after all.
7) The Parking Lot Security Camera Woman. I sure hope the security camera is operated by a woman, because I sort of slipped off my big girl bra right there in my car in that parking lot through the sleeve of my dress.