I started working on my first proper movie yesterday. Granted, it’s a small movie, but it is a movie. I can’t say more about it yet, but I will say this: It’s not a major blockbuster (sorry, Russell Crowe and Shia LeBouef, I’m busy, you’ll have to wait until I’m done with this one), but it is very sweet and it also stars Ryan McPartlin (from among other things, “Chuck.”)
Before I started the movie yesterday, I made sure to wake up very early to go recite Kaddish for my father in the morning minyan, a daily practice I have been doing since he passed away which I described here.
Why did I start my day this way?
1. Judaism believes in tempering the ecstatic with the grounded, and being happy for my movie needs to, in my sensibility, be tempered with the reality that I am a mourner. Balance. Tension. More than one emotion at once.
2. Prayer grounds me. Focusing grounds me. I sit in one space and one place for 40 minutes or so and I can’t go anywhere or check my phone or run. I have to just sit and be.
3. I miss my dad. I want him to be with me on set. I want him to see my successes and my failures, too, and I miss talking to him about all of it. I miss him. Going to shul helps me feel close to him and to the feelings I am feeling.
It was a good day, and not just because as we started our first scene, I found out I had been nominated for a fourth consecutive Emmy award for Best Supporting Actress, although the day would have been much bleaker had I not been nominated.
The day was good because I am working with a talented actor and a swell crew and a fun group of people on a sweet little movie which I might actually let my kids see–it’s that wholesome and sweet.
And my dad was with me every second–in my heart, in my thoughts, and in my mind. I started the day honoring the Source of all of my pain and my joy, and the source of my life was all around me.
Can you see me, Abba? I hope so.