Mayim Finds an Emmy Dress Amongst Stylist, Friends & Urine – Kveller
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Mayim Finds an Emmy Dress Amongst Stylist, Friends & Urine

At the Golden Globes. Tune in Sunday for the Emmys.

Operation Subdued Sexy (aka Operation Hot and Holy) ended tonight amidst thousands of dollars of satin and lace, and a puddle of toddler urine.

When last we spoke, I was trying to work around a dress that my stylist found for me that conformed to the standards of tznius (modesty)… except for the left arm and shoulder which were as naked and exposed as my hairless cat on a cold day with no blanket to hide under. The plan was to add a sleevelet to said dress and at least cover the shoulder of the naked arm. That plan, sadly, was making even the most delicate and tactful friends and co-stars of mine say, “Um, no. No. No way. I can’t let you do that.”

The pricey but hard-working stylist came to my house tonight with more dresses. I had one girlfriend here, another girlfriend on Skype from Atlanta, and my super funky publicist with me. They all had a look of determination about them and it made me a wee bit scared. Picture the “Star Wars” theme music.

All of these women got to see me in a SPANX and not much more, and that’s how much i trust them- now’s not the time for that level of tznius; we’ve got an Emmy dress to find. I tried on 6 dresses with the potential for buying the one that worked best. This opened up more possibility, since big-time actresses can “claim” a designer so that other actresses can’t be loaned the same designer, but if you want to buy a dress, all designers are fair game. Money talks.

Two  dresses were stunning but only covered the shoulders and I was holding out for elbow coverage. The stylist, publicist, and one friend looked at me skeptically. I wondered if Operation Hot and Holy was not long for this world. I started to panic. On to the four dresses with sleeves. Three lacked vavoom, including one that I actually thought was vavoom/perfect/the one, but I was out-voted. One dress was the winner. Truth be told, it’s not “my style,” but it is flattering, smartly-priced, and covers my elbows and legs (there is a slit that hits at the knee which is kosher by me). In addition, it really highlights my chest, arguably the most (only?) improved aspect of my body post-childbirth. Not to brag, but my chest looks awesome. And I think we are still within the realms of tznius.

The stylists, the two girlfriends, and the husband all said that this dress was perfect. Okay. Great. Phew. Done. But guess what? Now on to the shoes, purse, and jewelry!

By this point, it was 6 pm. I had been awake since 4:30 am. The last time I ate was 1 pm, and the tequila spritzer I drank at a gifting suite at 4 pm was not keeping me nourished. I had not seen my kids since 9 am and my older son was participating a bit too enthusiastically in the fitting while simultaneously seeking attention by commenting about each dress as if he were Stacy and Clinton: “No.” “Weird.” “No again.” “Too much tatas showing.” (My younger son chimed in, “No Num Nums!”) He also proceeded to pee on the floor, then slipped on the pee, then began screaming like a banshee from his fall. My husband was trying to cook vegan stir fry. Needless to say, I did not feel like picking out shoes, a purse, or jewelry.

I half-heartedly selected shoes which led to the group having a pretty heated and well-defended debate about what color toenails I need to have on Emmy Sunday. Zzzzz. I chose a simple purse and rejected all of the fancy jewelry presented to me; I am much more funky than glamorous, and this was all very glamorous. My publicist gently told me to pipe down and she, the stylist, and the girlfriend all chattered about jewelry while I started to get back into a robe.

Operation Subdued Sexy (aka Operation Hot and Holy) is complete. I feel extremely comfortable in my Emmy dress. It covers parts of me that I want covered and it conforms to the standards of my industry. The road to tznius is not an easy one nor is it a straight one, but I will stand proud in my dress. And a very select but mighty group of you now know the lengths one will go to in order to find a dress that does not hide, but protects. A dress that does not violate, but honors. A dress that does not diminish, but elevates. A dress truly worthy to let my neshama (soul) shine on through.

Operation Subdued Sexy (aka Operation Hot and Holy) is now complete. Proceed to Operation Don’t Trip in Your Heels on the Red Carpet.

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