When a parent leaves for the weekend, it means the other parent is going to have a longggggg few days alone with the kids. In this case, mom Meghan Maza Oeser was leaving for a girls’ weekend, so she made her husband a list of “tips” for while she’s gone. She posted them on Facebook only a few days ago, and they’ve been shared 50,000 times already.
Her post began so sweet that it was kind of scary…and you knew that it was going to get darkly intimidating:
“I’m writing this to you out of love, not fear. I wanted to go over a few things with you before you embark on this weekend alone…with the others. Nighttime, daytime, breakfast time, and somewhere around lunchtime can easily be mistaken for pure HELL, with Satan coming off as a My Little Pony in comparison.”
What follows is a crazy detailed list of all the minute details that only she would know:
“It’s most likely that Quinn will be pissed off about Penny wearing her Elsa dress, and Penny equally pissed off because Quinn will ONLY refer to her as Anna. Penny will also be fighting sleep, which I’ll get to later.
Dinner will suck. Bailey will want pizza, while Harper will ask for hotdogs. Quinn will cry when you say the word hotdog, and will insist on Mac n cheese (but not the orange kind or the white kind, but the purple kind). We’ll be fresh out of the purple kind, so she’ll then ask for toast. You’ll already have started making mac n cheese for Penny, but since she heard Quinn ask for toast, she’ll also want that toast. You’ll end up tossing the Mac n cheese because Bailey got the stomach flu 5 years ago after eating the orange kind, and Harper prefers the white kind. You’ll also forget about Harper because her friend Lily “unexpectedly” stopped by, so they went ripsticking down the street. Everyone will eat cereal for dinner, and Lily will come inside for a bandaid.”
Are you tired of reading that already? Because I am. But it doesn’t end there–she has a vendetta against pajamas:
“Pajamas. FUCK pajamas. Don’t even ATTEMPT anything but a nightgown for Penny. And if you cannot find a nightgown for Penny, keep fucking looking. She’ll ask for her Minnie Mouse nightgown, but once you put it on, she’ll scream in agony because the sleeves are CLEARLY ripping her fucking arms off. Just find her Elsa one. Chances are, it’s dirty as shit, but so what…so is she. I can’t remember the last time I put soap to that one.”
You know, I could get behind this. Pajamas are kind of unnecessary. Who needs pajamas? In case her husband didn’t already figure it out by now, she makes it clear that he won’t be able to get sh*t done:
“Oh, also…just incase you wanted to get ANYTHING done this weekend…good fucking luck. Quinn cries basically every 5 minutes, and you would think that Penny’s esophagus was on certain fire every 4.5 seconds. She’ll need constant refills, which leads to more potty breaks. Sometimes she can go by herself, and sometimes she’s completely useless and will whine about everything. Including, but not limited to, her underwears feeling funny. Have backup underwears. Oh, and since you made me get rid of most every sippy cup, leaving me with 2…she’ll lose those. Good fucking luck finding them.”
The best part? The fact that she signs the letter with, “Kisses, The Wife.” Yup.