The Insomniac’s Guide To Not Killing Your Spouse – Kveller
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The Insomniac’s Guide To Not Killing Your Spouse

I’ve suffered from insomnia my whole life. I vividly remember lying awake as a young child, blankets pulled up to my nose, imagining every sort of monster hiding in the shadows. These days, I lay in the dark, staring at the ceiling, trying to keep track of preschool tuition due dates, vacation plans, and, well, just one sort of monster (cough*Trump*cough).

But mostly I spend that time hating my husband. He is my polar sleeping opposite, my nocturnal antithesis. It takes me hours of tossing and turning to fall asleep. My husband puts his head on the pillow and is asleep in literally seconds. I wake up dozens of times a night. A fire alarm can’t wake him (this really happened). I lay in bed for 10 hours a night to get a possible three hours of sleep. He snores contentedly for six hours straight. I wake up a total zombie (mombie?) and can’t do much more than stare into space (or Facebook, same thing) for two hours. My husband wakes up fresh as a daisy and productive as hell. These are the ways that I have managed to not commit a felony that would leave my child an orphan.

1. Count your blessings

Cliché, I know. But it takes some serious firepower to drown out the chainsaw rumble from the other side of the bed. Thinking about your beautiful children, your accomplishments, and all of the millions of amazingly adorable cat videos on the internet may not necessarily put you to sleep, but it will keep your resentment in check until tomorrow night.

2. Meditate

If the interwebs have taught me anything, and cutting my son’s hair is DEFINITELY not one of those things, it’s that you can meditate anytime and any place. Lying in bed is no exception! Clearing your mind isn’t easy, especially during those unproductive nighttime hours, but once the anger and obsessive thoughts wash away, the clamorously loud snoring begins to sound more like waves crashing on the beach. Or something. You’ll be too busy not thinking to think about it.

3. Poetry

I find that putting my feelings into verse can help to diffuse them. Here’s an example of a haiku I wrote the other night:

I lay here alone

Sleeping is overrated

Have I lost my mind?

4. Booze

Don’t judge me—this is just a last resort! You owe it to your child/children to not kill their mother/father, and if I/you have to down a little vino to make that happen, well, I guess I/you will have to take that bullet. What won’t I/you do for my/your family? Cheers!

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