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These 8 ‘Hanukkah Sex Positions’ from Cosmo Are Really, Really Awkward

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Time to burn that midnight oil, eh? At least, Cosmopolitan wants you to ‘gelt it on,’ ladies and gents. You better be ready, because they aren’t joking. (Although, let’s be real, I really wish they were.)

Yes, they actually wrote an article with eight Hanukkah sex positions (as if any of these are all that different or surprising for any time of year). And it kind of makes me cringe. Let me say it’s not because I don’t like sex, it’s just that I find the comparisons completely unsexy. How is spinning “his dreidel” supposed to turn anyone on? And really, “Gimel Me More,” “The Menorah Mistress,” and “Latke, But Don’t Touch” are meant to be titillating?

READ: Orthodox Jewish Women Get Sexy for the Camera

Maybe I’m just missing something here, but why? It seems like Cosmo is trying to parody themselves (which I’m all about), but it’s still a little too serious for that:

“Take 69 to the next level with dreidel-inspired twists. Swirl your tongue around the sensitive tip of his penis, then try a twisting motion with your hands up and down his shaft while sucking on the tip. Switch it up by rocking your head side to side as you slide your mouth up and down his length, giving him one hell of a good sensation. Huzzah!”

Reading this feels like my grandmother is trying to give me sex advice (which kind of happened once with her recounting a strange sex dream that involved Tony Blair), and I’m not digging it. I mean, who would?

READ: Meet the Orthodox Jewish Mom Who Invented the Latest ‘Pleasure Product’

Also, the other frustrating part of this article isn’t just the fact that it’s terribly awkward, but it assumes the reader’s sexual partner is a man, which is not only presumptuous, but a bit closed-minded. While I’m sure this wasn’t intentional, it’s the kind of thoughtlessness that creates divisions and archaic stereotypes. Not cool.

Sorry, Cosmo, this just isn’t doing it for me. Maybe next time.

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