Everyone acts like summer is totally awesome, but summer is filled with trials and tribulations, particularly for moms of small kids. Here’s why:
1.The time it takes to get out of the house.
Everyone’s like, oh wow, I’m going to save so much time when all the kids don’t need coats and boots. Think again. Now you have to put on sunscreen, bug spray, and swim diapers. That means you have to find all that stuff and then put it on, by the way. And what about when your kid accidentally gets sunscreen in his eye?
2. The pool.
Hello, opposite of relaxation. You have to pack approximately one million snacks, extra sunblock, towels for everyone, and pool toys that lead to vicious infighting and then get lost entirely within the hour. No umbrella drinks here.
3. Weight gain.
You know those people who say they don’t feel like eating when it’s hot? Tell them to ride back out on the unicorns they rode in on. Everyone knows that it’s impossible not to go back for thirds at barbecues, and all those fruity drinks or even “lite” beers sure don’t make the scale any “lite”-er.
You know what’s attractive? Not your extra 15 pounds from baby #2, who’s now 4, coated in a film of rank perspiration.
5. Trips with kids.
You know what sounds fun until you do it? A “vacation” rental which confines you, your husband, and `your brood in a 2 bedroom “house” with no escape except the “fun” beach. It’s like a penthouse suite with room service, except not even remotely similar. Speaking of the beach…
6. The beach.
Hey, I know what sounds like a fun time. I’d like to sit in the heat, dispensing snacks to my kids like a vending machine, while wearing my “cute” maternity tankini (maternity = wear it while being a mom, not while pregnant, didn’t you know?) while 20-year-old models parade past my sand-covered blanket. If you throw in a kid getting knocked over by the waves and all three of them having to pee every 25 minutes, it’s what I call a par-tay.
7. School break.
Won’t it be great to spend whole days with the kids? If you’ve found yourself thinking this, splash some ice water on your face and pray that you return to sanity before you miss the deadline for any possible summer camp or drop-off activity that you can find. By the end of Day 1 you’ll be thanking me.
Your hair is one of your good features, but in the humidity, it looks like Billy Bong’s belly from Inside Out.
9. Summer clothes.
Won’t it be comfy to wear tank tops and shorts? And sundresses? Not really. What’s actually comfy is the yoga pants and sweatshirt look that you perfected over the course of the rest of the year. If you happen to know a mom who still looks good in tanks and shorts, just assume she adopted her kids so that you can feel better.
10. The End of Summer.
Back to school shopping? PTA involvement? Bake sales? And, wait for it… holiday preparation?! OMG, I can’t wait till next summer.