Chelsea Handler Mistakes Mayim Bialik for a Lesbian, and Other Highlights from the "Horrible Bosses" Premiere – Kveller
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Chelsea Handler Mistakes Mayim Bialik for a Lesbian, and Other Highlights from the “Horrible Bosses” Premiere

I went to my first “real” Grauman’s Chinese Theater red carpet premiere since 1989’s “Beaches” a few months ago. It was that Kate Hudson movie that I can’t even remember the title of now, but I left after the red carpet because I had to pump for little Fred and it was the period between Passover and Shavuot when some people don’t see movies for religious reasons, and I wasn’t sure if I could see the movie even though I had a feeling that I was being too strict. ANYWAY. My point is that I left that premiere after the red carpet.

Last week, though, I went to the Horrible Bosses premiere at Grauman’s. And I stayed, baby. I stayed the WHOLE TIME. It was awesome.

Here are the “mosts” of the evening. Hang onto your hats, people..

1.Most annoying thing that happened before I even got to the red carpet: My hair looked big and sexy and wavy and fuller than it ought to after 2 kids in the salon chair. By the time I got to the parking lot at Hollywood and Highland, it was more Veronica Lake than Victoria’s Secret. Argh.

2. Most dangerous part of the red carpet: I am one of those unlucky people who most of the time is literally halfway between shoe sizes. An 8 is too small, and believe it or not, an 8 1/2 is usually too big. Yes, it’s weird; don’t get me started. The nude open-toed pumps I had on were an 8 1/2 and I almost fell on my face several times before I got to the carpet. Thankfully, I walked slowly enough on the actual carpet to save my face and my dignity.

3. Most stupid thing I said: I joked to the guy sitting next to me before the movie started that I was going to the restroom in hopes that, “I can spot anyone famous in the lobby!” He looked at me like I was a dolt. My friend explained why to me as soon as we were down the stairs. He’s famous. He’s on 90210.

4. Most awesome celebrity compliment: Jennifer Love Hewitt, as I squeezed past her to take my seat (four seats from her, mind you!), said, “I love your dress!” and she seemed like she meant it. So cool.

5. Most awesome celebrity awkward comment: Chelsea Handler, whose show I was on when I did
What Not To Wear
said to me, “Hi Mayim!” (she remembered me!) and we hugged (she wanted to hug me, I even asked her beforehand: “Are we hugging?”). Then she said (not joking), “Where’s your partner? I loved talking to your wife last time I saw you!” I think she confused me with Sara Gilbert in sexual orientation, if not name. I was quick on the reply and said, “You just made me a lesbian and I’m not. But I’m really flattered!” She apologized and I proceeded to laugh until the tears came, doubled over in my seat in a grotesque combination of humiliation and hysterics.

6. Most exciting celebrity sighting: The fact that I recognized anyone means that there were some seriously famous people there, because I don’t watch TV. I used to watch Heroes and Lost. Well, Hiro from Heroes was sitting in front of me! My heart literally skipped a beat. I could not believe it. I was so excited. I think he is so talented and I could not believe that if I wanted to, I could lean into him during the movie and whisper, “I love you!” But I didn’t. Gotta keep my cool.

7. Most funny joke I made about the handsomest actor there: When I tell people that Zachary Levi was there, I say: “He was behind me. Not behind me in that way, although I would not have turned that down either.” Ha ha ha. I am a funny one at a premiere when there is free popcorn and Pepsi involved, right?

8. Most exciting thing about the movie: I loved it. It was very dark, very naughty, and very funny. I tend to hate most R rated movies because of the gratuitous sex and overall demeaning of women for the entertainment factor (random strip club scenes, for example, are rarely necessary in my mind). This movie was entertaining and raunchy without being offensive or pointless. I like to believe I am not a cerebral wet blanket who can’t just enjoy a good time, and I think this movie proved that I am not!

9. Most overwhelming feeling: That I am an impostor. This can not be my life. Sitting in a theater of totally famous people who I actually know? Being shouted out from across four lanes of closed Hollywood Boulevard traffic by fans taking pictures of me? Free popcorn and Pepsi? Zachary Levi behind me (Ha ha ha)? Joey Lawrence sitting next to me!? (Okay, he actually chose the seat closer to Jennifer Love Hewitt, but since she shows a lot more skin than I do, I guess I can’t blame him). I felt like at any moment, some usher might come up to me and say, “Uh… Ma’am. You were famous in the 90’s but that doesn’t count anymore. We’re gonna have to ask you and your friend to leave.”

I am always trying to be grateful and to keep some perspective. All the time, not just at premieres. So I took notice of a man with cerebral palsy who walked with the assistance of a cane. I entertained the notion that all across this world, there is injustice and wrong to be righted and talked until the lights went down with my close friend who I can trust with both the dynamics of the red carpet and my serious concerns that we may be complicit in wronging women, the poor, the environment, and animals used for our food and clothing.

And I tried to also chill out and enjoy myself. Because apparently, that’s part of my job now, too. Mother, neuroscientist, Kveller contributor, actor, and red carpet-goer. It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.

To read up on Mayim’s other brushes with fame, check out her time at Perez Hilton’s Blue Ball, her time on the set of The Big Bang Theory,  and her two cents on Natalie Portman’s baby.

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