My Fetus Is Totally Thinking This Stuff, Right? – Kveller
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My Fetus Is Totally Thinking This Stuff, Right?

The uterus isn’t exactly the quietest place to hang out, or so I hear. My memory is a little foggy of my own brief stint there. I am told, that not only can a baby in the womb hear the sounds of its mom’s body—but it can also hear noises from beyond. And I am not talking about ET (Extraterrestrial) beyond. I am talking about something even more terrifying—my family and me talking. Welcome to the clan, a little bit early!

So here is my little matzah ball’s (what we call the baby inside of me, because Jewish food names are the best fetus nicknames) inner dialogue in the following situations:

1. When my matzah ball hears my toddler walking around like a drunkard saying “mah mah mahhhh” and destroying everything in her line of vision.

Matzah Ball: “Omg there is an earthquake!” as a small table full of picture frames quickly becomes empty and smash, picture frames are now aligning the floor.

My Response: You have no idea sweet baby, I think rubbing my belly.

2. When matzah ball hears my voice yelling my daughter’s name, trying to find her, or summoning her over like a dog to play or cuddle with me. OK, sometimes I can be a bit of a needy mommy. That’s why I got another one on the way—more cuddling!

Or maybe she’s hearing me complaining about how sleep-deprived I am-between the dual soul-sucking (but the best kind…Jedi-like) forces of my matzah ball and daughter alike.

While this is happening, I imagine my matzah ball munching on food from the umbilical cord (for a popcorn effect) and being attacked by surround sound– through my abdomen and internally through the vibration of vocal chords.

Matzah Ball: “Yay, ‘Chip & Dale’ must be on again!”

My Response: Mommy has a voice of a chipmunk, so this is unfortunately pretty accurate. Yep, when my baby comes out of the womb it will feel calm when “Alvin and The Chipmunks” or “Chip and Dale” comes on the tube.

3. When my husband makes a bad joke.

Matzah Ball: “I hope I don’t have his sense of humor.”

My Response: “Shit, actually good thought. I hope you don’t either.”

4. When matzah ball hears Andy Cohen.

So you know you watch way too much Bravo, when your daughter smiles and claps every time she hears Andy, the The King Of The Housewives, speak on television. This is a fact. She has been doing this ever since she turned three months and her smile was an actual indication of joy and not gas—at least most of the time.

Matzah Ball: “Oh, this Andy guy again. He must be very important.”

My Response: Oh sweet baby, he is. Nothing is more important than the Housewives.

5. When matzah ball finds out who our president is.

Matzah Ball: “I am staying in here.”

My Response: October 2nd is your eviction date, sorry.

6. When matzah ball hears daddy trying to seduce mommy.

Matzah Ball: “Things are about to get weird in here y’all.”

My Response: ______

7. When my matzah ball kicks around my stomach all hours of the night.

Matzo Ball: “Party time!”

My Response: Hell no. You are supposed to be my good sleeper. Right? Riiight?

8. When matzah ball hears me comforting my daughter, who probably just slightly bumped her head or grazed a baby-proof table.

Matzah Ball: “Gosh that girl can be so dramatic.”

My Response: Sheesh, you have no idea…

10. When matzah ball comes to gym class with my daughter and me.

Matzah Ball: “Shit, we are bouncing on the trampoline again! Here we go–up and down, up and down-ah. I wish I had some of that yummy peanut butter ice cream mommy indulges in, instead of this.”

My Response: Shit, we are bouncing on the trampoline again! Here we go–up and down, up and down-ah. At least, I earned my peanut butter ice cream indulgence later…

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