Summer is rapidly approaching, and moms all across the nation are cowering in fear…I mean, looking forward to their kids getting a well-deserved break from school. Anyway, it’s never too soon to start exploring summer camp options for your kids, based on their individual blossoming interests and strengths (read: what’s cheap and close to your house). Here’s a realistic checklist for moms to take to those intimidating summer camp fairs:
1. Do you feed them snacks or do we have to pack them?
Good answers include: “We offer an array of healthy snacks” and “We give them goldfish and juice.” Bad answers include, “Pack them yourself, lazy.”
2. What happens if I pick my kid up late?
Good answers include: “We’re flexible,” “We’re here anyway,” and “No worries.” Bad answers include: “We charge per minute” and “We leave them here and go home.”
3. Do you teach them to swim?
Good answers include: “Yes, from scratch,” and “We 100% guarantee a swimmer by the end of the summer or your money back.” Bad answers include: “Um, you probably should have taught your kid to swim yourself and not relied on water wings for five years” and “We throw them in the pool and hope for the best.”
4. Do you cost as much as college tuition or not?
Good answers include: “You will not have to sell an organ to have your child attend this camp.” Bad answers include: “We have a helicopter pad by the tennis courts for parents who need to drop off on their way to their shareholders’ meeting.”
5. Do you have enough personable and charming teenage camp counselors that my child will be able to pick one as his or her unattainable crush that shapes his or her future view of the ideal man/woman?
Good answers include: “Of course, as we recognize that this is a rite of passage for American children.” Bad answers include: “All the camps are run by older, irritable, and unattractive school-teachers who are moonlighting here for extra cash.”
6. When I come for Parents Day, do I have to play dodgeball?
Good answers include, “No” and “Please, you suffered enough giving birth to them, why would we inflict that upon you?” Bad answers include, “Not only that, but you’ll have to run relay races” and “What are you, a sissy?”
7. Will having my child attend this camp provide me with an empty house from 9 a.m. – 4 p.m. every day?
Only one answer to this, so even if all the previous answers were bad, take out your checkbook for the deposit. And start training for dodgeball now.