When I was three years old, I peed in the middle of a Carvel ice cream shop after giving my mother about a 30 second warning that I a) had to go potty and b) couldn’t hold it. This moment, though I do not remember it, lives in infamy in my household as one of the many times I embarrassed my parents throughout my childhood.
We all know that kids are basically tiny drunk adults. They do embarrassing things on a regular basis. And while we are so mortified we want to sink into the ground and die when they happen, we can look back on these moments later and laugh.
I asked Kveller readers to share the most embarrassing things their children had done. Here’s what they told me:
“Picking up milk from the dairy. The women thought my son was an adorable toddler and lavished him with affection and praise. The smiling ladies all in a row waving “bye bye, bye bye” with their best sweet toddler voices. Just as we reached the door to leave my son turns with a smile and his toddler wave and yells, “Bye bye dumb broads!” Mortified as they gasped in unison we walked out the door.” — Cheryl
“Nothing like having your small child wonder, loudly, why the lady checking your groceries has a beard….or is she not a woman? (She was very much a woman and very kind in her response.)” — Minda
“My friend’s child recently asked his mother, very loudly, in public, where her vagina was, and if he could stick his hand in it.” — Debbie
“One time in a craft store, when my daughter was two years old, she said ‘Excuse me please,’ to get past a woman in our aisle. Immediately after the woman praised her for having such wonderful manners for being so tiny, my daughter looked at me and said, ‘Is that a man?'” — Bunny
“Mine was when we were eating at a fast food restaurant after a zoo trip. My two year old son was having an issue at the time having his hands in his pants. As we are eating I notice a group of construction workers laughing at us. I look down, and my son has his shorts leg pulled over and is playing with himself! Mortified!” — Sara
“Frankfurt. Airport. We just missed our connection from Washington, D.C. to Odessa, Ukraine. That was the last plane to Ukraine for that day. I am begging the agent at the Lufthansa counter to think of something and point to my then 6-year-old son: ‘Please, I am traveling with a small child!’ And as on a cue, gazing at the agent, my sons gives a thundering sneeze and lets out in a clear as a bell voice: ‘Mom, during World War II were the Germans bad guys or good guys?’ I remember my first thought was: NOW we are not flying anywhere…” — Elena
“Once, at the grocery store, my 3-year-old daughter pointed her finger at a very large woman and asked her: ‘You have a baby in your tummy?’ I picked her up and took her out of the store…jogging.” — Ruth
“My daughter was standing up for show and tell in front of her kindergarten class. She didn’t show her beanie baby that she’d brought…oh no! This is what occurred:
Teacher: OK, Hannah, what is your show and tell item?’
Hannah: Mrs. Tetley, when my mom woke up this morning, she was in a ‘goddamned pool of blood,’ and there was so much it was on my Daddy’s leg. He said it was like a goddamn blood bath.'” — Hollie
“At age 4, my daughter walked up to a black woman in a grocery store, stared at her for a bit, then said, ‘Mommy, black people aren’t really black. They are all different colors. We should call them colored!’ We absolutely fell over with laughter!” — Jill
“At the grocery store check-out, at three years old, my daughter deadpans, ‘MOM. My toots smell SO much better than the guy in front of us.'” — Tamara
“I was playing cards with my younger brother, and my daughter and son come bursting out of my bedroom with a dildo and they are yelling about how it’s a giant doll’s arm! (They are freaked out by dolls!) I was mortified, and my youngest brother scarred. LOL.” — Maria
“Not my child, but she was with my son and me. The children were four years old. I took them to eat breakfast at McDonald’s before preschool. There was a fly and I kept shooing it away. Audrey started talking about how much she hated flies. ‘And do you know what I REALLY HATE, Miss Kathy? I hate when a fly flies into my VAGINA.’ The only other customers were tables and tables of older men who were obviously regulars. You could have heard a pin drop.” — Kathy
“S: You’re six years older than daddy, right?
Me: No, daddy is six years older than me.
S: But you wear bigger underwear.” — Rita
“My little brother said to my mom, ‘Uh-oh, mom…I pooped in my pants!’ She said, ‘Oh, no, Nicholas! Why did you do that?’ He grinned at her and said, ‘I’m just kiddin’. I just fahted.’ (He had a speech impediment that made the “r” sound difficult for him).” — Jodie
“(My child) pulled the fire alarm during Shabbat services, while I turned around to grab an extra book in the hallway!” — Rachael
“We were late getting to church one Easter Sunday and had to walk down to the front row. My daughter who was 3 was next to her grandpa. She started to fool around, twirling her little purse. The chain broke and it sailed right up and smacked the minister in the face!” — Julia
“‘Mommy, why don’t you dress like a ninja like that boy’s mommy?’ A question my then-3-year-old son asked as we were walking by a woman in a niqab.” — Olga
“We were at the mall and my daughter was playing in one of those toy cars you put money in. All of the sudden, she started beeping the horn and shouting, ‘Get out of the way, asshole.’ I tried to pretend she wasn’t my kid when the other moms started noticing.” — Shannon
Got a good one? Share your embarrassing story by commenting below.