The pool is a haven of summer fun and relaxation for adults and kids alike, but the problem is, you can’t teleport there. No, you have to load everyone up in your car and drive there. And don’t forget the approximately one billion items you need to take with you. But don’t start twitching just yet! I’ve written this handy dandy guide to getting you and your brood to the pool in (only) 30 simple steps! Yes, it can be done, so read on, grasshopper.
1. Decide to go to the pool. Don’t rush yourself. Then again, if you don’t rush, it will end up being naptime and then what did you even do with your day? Chop chop, my friend.
2. Think about all the stuff you have to get done at home first.
3. Clean for a half hour. That should make a dent. Ha ha ha.
4. Announce, “We are going to the pool!”
5. Announce again, “We are going to the pool!”
6. Yell, “What is wrong with you guys? Why does nobody ever pay attention to me?”
7. Shut off the TV.
8. Announce, “We are going to the pool!”
9. Deal with kids’ excitement, manifested by screaming loudly. Breathe deeply like they taught you in that one yoga class you went to before kids.
10. Find kids’ swimsuits. Don’t worry about matching tops and bottoms. What is this, a Gap Kids ad?
11. Find your own swimsuit, and try it on.
12. Laugh throatily and regretfully, kind of like an old fashioned movie star in a tragic moment in the film, and just go wearing your shorts and tank top.
13. Google “ab exercises” while you pack snacks.
14. Remember how much your kids ingest during one hour of pool time, and bring out a second cooler.
15. Lovingly prepare wonderful, healthy snacks for the children and put in a half-eaten PB&J from yesterday for you.
16. Consider, only for a second, putting a wine cooler in a water bottle.
17. Eat some Goldfish instead.
18. Realize you haven’t seen the kids in a while.
19. Shut off the TV again while chastising kids for their inability to help you do anything, what are you, a servant?
20. Load car by yourself.
21. Get kids into car.
22. Tell them you don’t have room for all the rafts, beach balls, and floats.
23. Take all the rafts, beach balls, and floats.
24. Drive to pool.
25. Park poorly, because some idiot is unloading three kids, 15 pool floats, and three coolers next to your space.
26. Reflect on irony of that situation as you get stink-eye from another driver who cannot park because of everything you are unloading out of your clown car, I mean, car.
27. Unload kids, who run happily into pool.
28. Realize you forgot cooler. Oh well, you can always pack everyone up and go home and get it.
29. Purchase 30 snacks from vending machine.
30. Take 50 pictures of your kids in the pool in case you never return. #poolfun #familytime #help